What are your life goals?

This question was posed to me recently. No it wasn't for a job interview or anything like that, in fact it was in reference to a D&D character that I had created for a game my brother is running.

Seriously.

And as I was coming up with my characters goals and motivations inevitably I started thinking about my own and I found myself just staring into space before admitting....I don't know.

Well that is horrifying and panic inducing.

I mean my life is a good life.

I have a good husband and two beautiful children. I am a stay at home mom which was important to me so that I would be there should my kids need me at any moment. I have a good family that I am close with and a place to live in and food on the table and all those blessings we take for granted on the daily.

But what were my goals?

I mean I have the usual goals:
To raise good humans who are compassionate and loving.
To eventually own a home
To make enough money to be comfortable.

These are good family goals but what about personally? What did I want for myself? More staring into space.

Well....shit. I'd totally lost sight of things that I wanted for just myself. To be fair the world does not encourage selfishness in mothers. There is a small movement for empowering them but honestly people will still give you the sideways look if you are doing something that isn't at least MOSTLY for your kids.

So what are my goals? Who do I want to be when I define me? Well here's what I have...
To write a book.
To work at a library again. (My favorite job I've ever had)
To be a woman comfortable in her own skin.
To care less what others think.
To have a monthly date night with my husband.

Nothing ground breaking sure but for now they will do. I'm still a little in the weeds when it comes to thinking about just what it is I want...and not getting bogged down but what I SHOULD want and what OTHERS want for me. So for now I'll just leave this little list here on the blog, alone and quiet as I whisper into the void....what it is I want?

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So....yeah

Life has been super hard lately.

My dog passed away.

I got an unexpected flat that resulted in an unexpected expense of 2 new tires.

Depression and general misery took over making daily tasks hard.

My husband has been working 80 to 100 hours a week and we haven't seen much of each other.

The A/C died during the hottest month ever and I had to haul the kids to my parents' place for 3 days (not a huge deal since my parents were thrilled to have us there but their house is small and it gets real tight real quick.)

I've had a really hard time doing much more than surviving while trying to make sure that my family is doing well. To look at us from the outside things look just fine. The kids are happy and healthy and the house is clean and things are getting done...but honestly it is taking everything I have to do so.

So blogging was forgotten. Again.

Ugh I hate that I get inspired and things fall apart.

I hate that I want this so much but I AM NOT CONSISTENT.

I'm going to try to do better. I'm making a plan to write some posts this weekend and maybe get back on track.

Of course school is back in session in just a few weeks which will be a whole new can of worms.

I'm tired.

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It's all a mess.

I come back to blogging all the time.

A new post! Here we are! Changes! New Things! I'm here for good this time!

Yeah I do this all the time. And then nothing. Vanish. Poof. I fail.

Because it's all a mess.

My house is in shambles still from Christmas. I have things that still aren't out of boxes yet. The decor is all nicely put away...but there is still....STUFF....everywhere.....

I started to move the kids' room around to put them together and I have a changing table living in my hallway now because I can't move it alone and the weather has been awful here so I haven't had a lot of company.

I started to Konmari my clothes and while my drawers look very nice I dread laundry now because I'm thinking about having to thank my clothes and fold them properly so they can go in the drawers...so instead they live in the laundry basket or they get hanged in the closet that is overflowing with not my clothes, not my kid's clothes, my HUSBAND'S clothes. Office jobs require lots of blazers and slacks and long sleeves apparently. I dunno my clothes are a mishmash of whatever I can fit into with this post baby body and the few nice things I wear when I have to leave the house.

Children's toys have taken over.

My vacuum broke.

I have a 7 month old who is teething and a 5 year old that is learning new sight words so she asks what every word she sees is and I'm so happy to be with them and cuddle them and help them learn but you can't really do that and do the other stuff too.

I come to the computer and I see assignments I should be doing instead of blogging.

I feel like I'm in a spiral. It's a messy spiral of chaos and clutter and crazy.

So yeah....I suck at blogging. I suck at coming here and putting words down that make sense and while I can easily rehash a popular post and basically "fill in the blanks" I feel like that is a cheat and who would what to read that anyway?

So I'll be here. I'm reading your posts. I'm commenting when I can because Disqus hates my guts. But I'm here...in the mess of it all....and I'm sorting it all out.

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Back to Blogging....And Some Changes?

I've missed blogging but I feel like the only thing I talk about is my kids.

Can I talk about just my kids?

I've missed blogging but I feel like no one cares.

Can I still come here and talk even though no one is going to read it?

I've missed blogging but what can I add to the conversation that isn't already out there?

Can I write even if my words aren't revolutionary?

So yeah that's what's been going on in my head this past month. I want to come back to this space. So much so that I even updated the look of the blog on the down low just to see if that sparked something in me....and maybe to see if anyone else was out there reading. I feel the need to connect to someone out there outside of the mom bubble I've been living in but honestly.....all I do is mom stuff. It's an endless wheel at the moment and I had forgotten just how hard it is to have a new baby in the house. Kyra has been pretty self sufficient for a while now and I forgot what it was like to have someone depend on you for literally there EVERY NEED. It's a tough job and an all consuming one at times.

Then Kyra started school and that comes with a whole new set of changes and challenges.

Then everyone that I have in my support system is working. Literally all of them. All the time. Everyone is busy every.single.day. So I'm on my own with just one or both of the kids for nearly 12 hours a day. Every day. I'm in bed by 8:30 pm. I'm a night owl this is freakish for me. But if I want to be able to get up and function at 5 am after being up at least 3 times during the night with the baby and to pump then I have to. Then Kyra goes to school and it's just me and Ty and I take care of chores and work and blah blah blah and then it is 3 pm and Kyra is home and I'm busy with her after school stuff and then it's dinner time and boom....8:30 again. Endless wheel.

So I'm coming here. Back to writing. Back to blogging. Back to something that feels like me. Something that is just mine.

That being said it's going to be different because I am different. I've changed and so the blog must change along with me.

So I'm sending this out into the void. I have no idea if anyone reads here anymore but that's okay. I just need my words to go somewhere. I just need them out of my head so they can stop tumbling around in there all day on repeat. So out into the void I whisper.....is this thing on?

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Too scared to breathe: Pregnancy After Loss

Two pink lines. I immediately broke down crying. I'm pregnant and I'm terrified.

I spent the first trimester of this pregnancy not breathing properly. I felt like I couldn't take a full breathe or sigh or even think about what was going on inside me for fear that I would somehow jinx it. This was such a change from my first pregnancy and even my second...the one that I lost. When I first found out with those pregnancies I was just ready to jump for joy and share the news with anyone I saw. However the loss of my second pregnancy changed this for me. Drastically.

Please don't misunderstand me...I'm so very thrilled for this pregnancy and this baby. I hate that I spent the first trimester in a constant state of fear instead of appreciating what a miracle it was but I was so scared. I was so scared to tell anyone because I didn't want to get anyone's hopes up. I didn't want to get my own hopes up. There were weeks when I didn't even acknowledge the pregnancy to myself until I was getting sick. I spent a lot of the first trimester sick as a dog which isn't uncommon but I have to wonder if I was making things worse by being stressed and scared. I was also grateful every time I got sick. Seriously. Every time I threw up I was grateful because that meant there was still a baby in there.

I really like my doctor. She totally gets my fears and she was so patient with me. She made sure to do the blood tests to ease my fears. Her nurses always were kind and patient as I explained my newest pain or worry and made me feel at ease and totally normal. I cannot thank them enough for being so amazing while I was freaking out. If you are dealing with this...call your nurses, call your doctor, they are there to help you and if you have good ones you will feel immediate relief after just a phone call. That kind of piece of mind means the difference between sleep and no sleep for me.

The first trimester I told my parents and my husband only. If you are pregnant it is completely up to you when you tell people. Do what makes you feel comfortable as no one can predict what that level of comfort will be except for you. This time around I just didn't want to share. I wanted to keep this to myself and just wait until I knew for sure. I'm glad I did because when I finally got to share my news when I hit the second trimester I finally felt the tightness in my chest release. That feeling was so liberating.

My big moment the moment when I finally let myself believe and grieve and hope and feel all of the feelings was when we went in to hear the heartbeat. My doctor did all the normal checks and finally it was time to hear our little one's heartbeat. Kyra and Robert were there with me and then finally I heard that oh so sweet sound of our baby. I will tell you right now I cried. I was so happy and so very relieved. I will tell you I was also thrilled when my doctor said she wanted to schedule an ultrasound for the next day because twins run in my family and she couldn't rule out that there weren't multiples in there because my pelvic muscles are so strong (Sorry if that is TMI). My husband paled a little bit at the thought of twins but he was like "Well if there are two then we take home two."

Well at the ultrasound we confirmed that there was only one in there and they were growing and right on schedule from my estimated time frame. We got to see baby moving all around in there and again I cried tears of joy to know that this pregnancy is going along just as it is supposed to. I could finally breathe again.

Now we are 18 weeks and healthy and happy. Hopefully at the next appointment we will find out if we are having a boy or a girl. I'll be happy with either but I'm too impatient to wait to find out!


If you are going through a pregnancy after loss please know you aren't alone. You have every right to be scared, nervous, or even unwilling to admit that you are actually pregnant. These feelings are valid and totally normal. However if you are like me and you are just scared every moment please contact your doctors and nurses and tell them your feelings if they are good at their jobs they will ease your fears and help you in any way that they can. Hang in there mama, you got this.

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It's been a while....

It's been a long while since I posted on this blog.

That doesn't mean I haven't thought about it. In fact I think about coming here almost daily.

I think about the posts that I would write to you all. Things I would share. Things I would say. Cute little gifs that I find funny or little stories about my life that you might find entertaining.

But I never wrote them.

I haven't written in my journal since May.

I haven't written for pleasure for longer than that.

I hadn't been reading either.

Then suddenly a few weeks ago it was like the fog lifted. I tore through five books in just a week. I suddenly had my journal out and while I have yet to write in it ideas have been forming and thoughts have been culminating and at this point it is just a matter of time.

And then there was this blog. This blog that I loved so dearly but was avoiding. I had no idea what I was avoiding just that I couldn't come here and post the things that I wanted and I couldn't stop worrying about the fact that I hadn't even read a blog post in weeks and honestly what kind of blogger am I if I don't post or read blogs? Answer: a crappy one.

So since today is the first of August and since things around here are going to be changing a lot I am back here in this space again. I'm making sure that I am reading things that spark my interest and make me happy. I am going to start writing again even if it is all just nonsense on a page. I am back to trying to find myself again after spending the summer lost and somewhere else.

So I don't know if anyone is still out there listening but I'm sending this message into the void. Hopefully many more will follow.

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Confessions:It is what it is....

I confess that lately I haven't really known what I am going to do with this space. You may or may not have noticed my absence lately but basically I've written about 6 posts in the past 3 months. I'm just not sure what it is I am getting from this blog anymore. Sometimes I come here just as an outlet but lately I have felt paranoid about that. Once you put things on the internet they stay there forever and I worry about putting my heart here and then it being out there for all to see. I do keep a journal but I haven't wanted to write in that either lately. I'm not sure if I am avoiding things or what is going on but I haven't felt like coming here and addressing the things on my mind. 

I confess that honestly I feel like I have fallen into the trap of posting the same posts over and over again and I haven't put much heart into them which is something that I really dislike. I prefer to write things that if they aren't important than at least they are enjoyable and that has not been the case lately and I apologize for that. 

I confess that this probably stems from feeling a little lost and stagnant in my life lately. A lot of plans that I had for myself haven't come to fruition and now I am struggling to figure out what the next step is. 


I confess that after the epicness of a weekend at Planet Comicon it always takes a few days for me to get back to normal. It's like this huge adrenaline rush for three full days and then the sudden end of it is a really abrupt for me. Also being an introvert putting that much energy into getting ready and being out among that many people always drains me. So basically this week has been a bit of a wash because I am still trying to get back to normal. 

I confess that I'm not sure where I am going with this post I am just trying to be honest and put it out there that things are just kind of meh right now. I'm trying and I do love blogging I just feel like I don't have anything to add to the conversation anymore. I'm going to try and at least come here and post something once a week but it it what it is. 

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5 Monday Mantras

I'm having a time right now. Nothing serious just overwhelmed. So today I thought I would share some mantras that I have been feeling lately that make me feel better. Maybe they will make you feel better if you are having a time too! 

 

Have a good Monday Everyone.

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Thursday Thoughts/ Catching Up

1. First and foremost I need to share with you all this little bit. This is Arya and she is our new puppy! I had not planned on getting a puppy but when I went with my Mom to pick out a pup for her since hers passed so suddenly and somehow ended up coming home with one too....I'm still hazy on how that happened. However she is adorable and so sweet and now I can't imagine life without her. 

2. This week has been a pain in the butt. On Sunday Robert's car decided to suddenly stop working. Of course it was on a Sunday so they were closed so we had to wait until Monday to get anything done with it.  Since we couldn't figure out what was wrong so we had to have it towed to the dealership. Thankfully it was just some sort of computer chip thing. Even though it was a small thing it still took two days to get done which was annoying but again thankfully it was covered under our warranty as was the tow so all in all I can't complain too much other than it was inconvenient. 


3. Then on Tuesday afternoon our A/C went out. Since it is approximately a million degrees around here in the summer this was a HUGE problem. Also I don't handle the heat well....I'm actually pretty unpleasant to be around because I don't like feeling sweaty, sticky, humid or any such thing and I lose all patience when I'm hot. It was a miserable Tuesday night but they guy was supposed to be there in the morning. HAHAHAHAHA. NO. I waited around all day and at 4pm when Robert came home the house was boiling hot and the guy no where to be seen. So I packed up the pups and Kyra and left to seek refuge at my parents' house. Finally the guy did show up and now the A/C is working and I have it set to Antarctic freezing temperatures in here now. 


4. As you may have noticed Blogging has taken a hit around here lately. Mostly this is due to trying to figure out what I want from this blog while I am also working on another project of my own. I am happy however that I was able to participate in the linkup yesterday and that I have managed to fit in reading/listening! I even managed to read a few of the books I already own in participation of Erin's Read Your Books Challenge! 

5. Pokemon Go. Yes I am playing. I played Pokemon when it first came out and this game has been like a blast from the past. I love the fact you have to get out there to play and have actually been walking around my hometown a lot more because of it. However I do believe that gamers need to be respectful while playing and remember...just because there is a Pokemon somewhere doesn't mean you should actually go catch it there. Remember that not everyone is into playing it and that some places are just off limits. (ie work, places of remembrance, memorials, WHILE DRIVING) 

Caught this guy last night while finishing up my walk.

These have been my Thursday Thoughts.

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Sometimes Life is Hard

I'm exhausted. 

This year is just one of those years. 

I am not trying to complain, because as they say it can always be worse and honestly I live a very lovely life in general. 

However this year is testing me. 

There have been some difficulties as most of you know. 

This week is another rough week. 

My Mom's dog Lilly is sick. 

She has Pulmonary Lung Disease. 

We thought she just had a cough...possibly a cold. 

Now they say that she might live about 6 months with pills and treatment. She might live longer than that...she might not. 

Of course my Mom is heartbroken. I'm heartbroken. Lilly is my dog Kiya's sister. From the same litter and everything. 

That is the hard cold truth of having dogs. You will out live them 90% of the time. It's hard EVERY SINGLE TIME. We even tell ourselves we won't take any more dogs in because it is just so hard to say goodbye...

But there are so many dogs that need love and when another comes along we love them any how...and we weep when it is their time to go. 

Tomorrow my Mom gets to bring Lilly home from the Vet and hopefully we will get the full six months with her. If we don't at least she will be home and surrounded by a family that loves her so much. 

 

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Hello, I'm Sick

Good Morning Everyone, 

So over the weekend I managed to get sick. Of course because I am a good blogger and super organized I totally had posts scheduled and ready to go. Wait....no I didn't. 

So obviously I had posts in draft that I could just select and publish those right? 

Yeah I didn't think that sounded like me either. 

So instead I am completely behind on comments, haven't read any blog posts, and of course had to whip this post up on Tuesday morning because I gave Monday a complete miss. ( I am SO sorry! I will respond to your comments I promise!) 

I wanted to post yesterday but every time I looked at a computer my head started to swim. Also I was catching up on all the things that didn't get done over the weekend because I was down and out. It took literally hours to do all the dishes, laundry, vacuuming, dusting, etc. Adding in time to cough, sneeze, and generally wheeze about. I wish I could have just left it all until I felt better but I couldn't look at the dishes for another minute in my sink. 

So today I will be working on catching up reading blog posts and responding to comments. At least I will for as long as I can before my head starts swimming again. (I think I have a mild ear infection as well.) 

Hope your Tuesday is going well. Disinfect ALL THE THINGS. Cold Season is upon us.

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Confessions 10/14

Good Morning Everyone,

Time for some confessions....


I confess that I am currently hiding in my bedroom because tonight is Bobby's game night. Normally the guys all game at my in laws but tonight the game got moved. Now this might not have been an issue but Tuesdays are my nights to write and do beauty routines. Meaning they all came over and I have coconut oil in my hair, a face mask, and I generally look like a crazy person.

I confess that I've wasted a ridiculous amount of time on the You Cam App. Have you tried this thing? It adds makeup and junk to your face and sometimes it turns out really pretty and sometimes it is just hilarious. Bobby wouldn't let me post his pictures but let me tell you it was hilarious. Honestly I thought mine turned out awesome especially since I was completely makeup free otherwise!

I legit have no makeup on in this photo. This is just what the app did.

I confess that I have been really trying to figure out the whole "work from home" bit lately. I want to be able to contribute to our bills while still being a good mommy and wife. It's a tough gig. There are lots of scams, lots of hoops to jump through....honestly it is just really frustrating trying to be helpful and just finding brick wall after brick wall.

I confess that I really hoped....I hoped a lot when I was starting out back in 2003... that blogging/writing would be my full time thing. I so wanted to be one of those professional bloggers that had brilliant and viral posts. I wanted to write things that people loved reading....but now I worry that doing so means "selling out". I hate blogs that are so covered in ads that I can't even scroll through the content. I don't want to be an ad only based blogger...even if I could use the money. 

I confess that I sigh inwardly when I see glossy white backgrounds with perfectly staged items. Not because I resent those bloggers but because my life isn't the kind of life with perfect white backgrounds. This blog has Chaos in the title for a reason. I have to fight for every moment I get to write now that I'm a Stay at Home Mom. I thought (naively!) that once I was home I would have MORE time to write. Instead I have so much less. I used to write during my mid morning break or even during my lunch hour....now I don't get those things. Most of my writing is now done in the dark well after bedtime. 

I confess that despite the above confessions...I still really love blogging. I love reading blogs and seeing other people's lives and opinions. I love the linkups that let me share things that I love and give me knew things to try out and explore. I still hope that someday....this will not only be something I love but something that loves me back. 

Happy Humpday Everyone. 

Be sure to join the linkup and share your confessions!

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Confessions: The Last One of September

Good Morning Everyone, 

It's time for Confession! 

I confess that I am still attempting to recover from the weekend. I love having friends over, playing games, and being busy, but since I'm also highly introverted these things take a massive toll on me. After four days of people and all of yesterday cleaning up the aftermath, I just kind of want to lie in bed all day and be quiet. 

I confess that while that may be what I want to do it isn't what I will actually get to do. One of the hardest parts of being a Mom for me is that I'm always "on". Kyra still needs me to be her mom and take care of her even if all I want to do is switch off for the day. It's just not an option. 

I confess that this year at Ren Fest was probably one of my least favorite. It wasn't the festivals fault by any means. I just foolishly underestimated the drama of my two year old. Kyra wasn't bad really, she was just a kid, but I was frustrated and disappointed that I missed out on pretty much everything I wanted to do because she needed me. Sure my husband tried to help but Kyra wasn't having that. She only wanted me. She wanted me to carry her which is something I can't do for an extended period of time anymore because she is a wiggly two year old or she wanted me to pull her in the wagon which I didn't mind doing but she had a little melt down every time I stopped to look at something. I know that someone will be like "Well just get a babysitter!" but that wasn't an option and honestly I wanted her there initially so that we could have fun together. 

I confess that I have been dealing with a LOT of mommy guilt lately. I have been feeling the need to take a break and do something just for me but the minute I suggest it...guilt. Guilt at not wanting to spend every minute with Kyra. Guilt at asking someone else to watch her for a little bit. Guilt because I am a Stay At Home Mom. I know that that some people think this is the life I chose so why am I complaining?  If this is what I wanted then why do I need time away? 

I confess that I'm frustrated with my vacuum. Lately I've noticed my it isn't working correctly. I'm not sure what is wrong but the suction isn't there. I cleaned it thoroughly and am now just waiting for the canister to air dry and hoping for the best...if that fails I will have to see if I can get it cleaned out with the air compressor. 

I confess that even though all that is going on, I am so very happy that tomorrow is the first day of October. I love October. I love fall. I love Halloween. I love chilly weather. I am so ready for sweaters, cozy blankets and cups of cocoa! 

That's it for me today. Be sure to join the linkup! Happy Humpday Everyone! 

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Confessions- The One with the broken controller

Good Morning Everyone, 

Today is Confession Day! 

I confess that when our Playstation 3 remote stopped working it caused a bit of a panic in our house. We stream everything through the PS3 because we don't have cable. It also works as our DVD/Blu Ray Player. So basically without the controller we were left without TV. Now this wouldn't have been a problem normally but all of Kyra's movies are on DVD or Blu Ray. Ever had to explain to a 2 year old that she can't watch her Disney movie because the controller is broken? No? Let me just tell you....they don't get it. 

 

I confess that I tried very hard not to be frustrated and annoyed when Robert came back with the wrong cable to fix the controller. He didn't check the package and got one for the PS4 instead....

I confess that I just laughed hysterically when he came back with the right cable only to find out that it was the controller that was bad and not the cable. 

I confess that I called in reinforcements yesterday and begged my parents for a DVD player...didn't have to be Blu ray or anything fancy. Just ANYTHING. They of course came through. 

I confess I have never been so relieved to hear Totoro's theme music come on my TV. My little lady was so happy to have her movies back. 

I confess that I realize that some will probably pass judgement on the fact I let my two year old watch TV when she wants. But I don't care. She has playtime, coloring/creative time, and reading time. She can watch movies if she wants! 

That's the confession for this week! Happy Humpday Everyone!

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Confessions 9/2

Good Morning Everyone,

It's Confession Time!


I confess....


I didn't watch the VMAs. I did not see the drama and honestly I do not care to know about it. I feel like award shows are pretty much crap anyhow.

I am currently OVERWHELMED by books. Like I picked up five at the library last week that looked good and then about a million of my holds became available. This is like the bests problem to have.

With my car acting up (we think it is the thermostat?), bills, terrible twos.....Life has got me just like....ugh.

I spent most of Monday evening working on replying to the mass of emails in my inbox. It felt SO GOOD to have an empty inbox again!

Ren Fest starts this weekend and I. AM. SO. EXICTED.  

 

That's it for me this week! Be sure to link up and share your confessions!

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Confessions: 8/26

Good Morning Everyone, 


Time for Confessions! 


I confess that my insomnia lately is killing me. I go to bed early, exhausted, but then I lay there with my mind going like a mile a minute until it is like 3am. I have no idea why this happens but it happens for several nights a month. I need it to stop like now...

I confess that stress may be playing a part in the insomnia. Being an adult is the worst thing ever. Also apparently it costs $1400 dollars for super glue at the emergency room. Seriously eff being an adult and everything that comes with it. 

I confess that something is up with my blogger right now and it is making this post a beast to write/edit/add photos too. All the RAGE.

I confess that every few months or so I get the need to DO something. It happens when the need to be creative has been bottled up to long and suddenly I have to make something. Sometimes I write, sometimes I do crafts, yesterday I made Kyra a hat! 
 

I confess that it felt amazing to earn my Proclaimer Badge on my VivoFit. That's for hitting 500 miles walked. I was so scared back in April that I wouldn't reach it by Christmas and look here it is August and I'm there! I seriously love my VivoFit! 

 I confess when I get notifications in my email that one of my library holds becomes available I literally squee with joy. Give me ALL THE BOOKS. 

That's it for me today. Be sure to join the linkup. Happy Humpday. 

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