Too scared to breathe: Pregnancy After Loss




Two pink lines. I immediately broke down crying. I'm pregnant and I'm terrified.

I spent the first trimester of this pregnancy not breathing properly. I felt like I couldn't take a full breathe or sigh or even think about what was going on inside me for fear that I would somehow jinx it. This was such a change from my first pregnancy and even my second...the one that I lost. When I first found out with those pregnancies I was just ready to jump for joy and share the news with anyone I saw. However the loss of my second pregnancy changed this for me. Drastically.

Please don't misunderstand me...I'm so very thrilled for this pregnancy and this baby. I hate that I spent the first trimester in a constant state of fear instead of appreciating what a miracle it was but I was so scared. I was so scared to tell anyone because I didn't want to get anyone's hopes up. I didn't want to get my own hopes up. There were weeks when I didn't even acknowledge the pregnancy to myself until I was getting sick. I spent a lot of the first trimester sick as a dog which isn't uncommon but I have to wonder if I was making things worse by being stressed and scared. I was also grateful every time I got sick. Seriously. Every time I threw up I was grateful because that meant there was still a baby in there.

I really like my doctor. She totally gets my fears and she was so patient with me. She made sure to do the blood tests to ease my fears. Her nurses always were kind and patient as I explained my newest pain or worry and made me feel at ease and totally normal. I cannot thank them enough for being so amazing while I was freaking out. If you are dealing with this...call your nurses, call your doctor, they are there to help you and if you have good ones you will feel immediate relief after just a phone call. That kind of piece of mind means the difference between sleep and no sleep for me.

The first trimester I told my parents and my husband only. If you are pregnant it is completely up to you when you tell people. Do what makes you feel comfortable as no one can predict what that level of comfort will be except for you. This time around I just didn't want to share. I wanted to keep this to myself and just wait until I knew for sure. I'm glad I did because when I finally got to share my news when I hit the second trimester I finally felt the tightness in my chest release. That feeling was so liberating.

My big moment the moment when I finally let myself believe and grieve and hope and feel all of the feelings was when we went in to hear the heartbeat. My doctor did all the normal checks and finally it was time to hear our little one's heartbeat. Kyra and Robert were there with me and then finally I heard that oh so sweet sound of our baby. I will tell you right now I cried. I was so happy and so very relieved. I will tell you I was also thrilled when my doctor said she wanted to schedule an ultrasound for the next day because twins run in my family and she couldn't rule out that there weren't multiples in there because my pelvic muscles are so strong (Sorry if that is TMI). My husband paled a little bit at the thought of twins but he was like "Well if there are two then we take home two."

Well at the ultrasound we confirmed that there was only one in there and they were growing and right on schedule from my estimated time frame. We got to see baby moving all around in there and again I cried tears of joy to know that this pregnancy is going along just as it is supposed to. I could finally breathe again.

Now we are 18 weeks and healthy and happy. Hopefully at the next appointment we will find out if we are having a boy or a girl. I'll be happy with either but I'm too impatient to wait to find out!


If you are going through a pregnancy after loss please know you aren't alone. You have every right to be scared, nervous, or even unwilling to admit that you are actually pregnant. These feelings are valid and totally normal. However if you are like me and you are just scared every moment please contact your doctors and nurses and tell them your feelings if they are good at their jobs they will ease your fears and help you in any way that they can. Hang in there mama, you got this.

Show Us Your Books: First of 2018!

I'm finally back for the best linkup of the month! Let's see those books!


Clothes Make the Girl (Look Fat) by Brittany Gibbons- I really love Brittany's voice. I listen to her weekly podcast and am part of the Curvy Girl Community. I loved her first book Fat Girl Walking so I knew I would be purchasing this one once it came out. I devoured this book. I finished it in less than 24 hours but to be fair it isn't that long. However I relate to her so much in this book. Shopping has always been rough for me. I'm never the same size in any store and when I'm in the plus section I'm usually reduced to tears in the dressing room because everything is designed for the elderly or it's some form of animal print. As if since I'm plus size I'm suddenly all to eager to look like a leopard or a zebra. I could totally relate to all the experiences that Brittany discusses in this book and I love her letter to her daughter about learning to love who you are just as you are. If you too have struggled with clothing and fashion I'd imagine you'd be right on board with this book too!
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So Much I want to Tell You by Anna Akana- I've watched Anna on YouTube for a few years now and I've always found her to be super funny and very honest but this book was just something all together more. This book is a set of letters that she has written to her sister who committed suicide as a teenager. It's powerful in some places, sob worthy in others. I really loved how she faces the whole thing head on and admits her faults and embraces her strengths when it comes to life and how she handled her grief. Great read but maybe bring tissues.
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The Troop by Nick Cutter- Yuck. Seriously that is the first word that comes to mind when I think of this book. I picked it up because I was in the mood for something scary and this was at the top of many lists. I didn't find it really scary though, mostly I was just grossed out and horrified. I can see how some people might find this scary but I spent so much of it horrified and grossed out that I wasn't scared at all just vaguely ill. This book can best be described as slightly Lord of the Flies meets Slither? Or some other disgusting gore flick. Can't say I would recommend this one but if you are into gross and creepy well...maybe it's for you.
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Scythe by Neal Shusterman- Some may know Shusterman from the Unwind series which I didn't really get into but this series is another story! I loved this new dystopian world because it was very different from the other dystopian novels that I've read. Without giving too much away, Death has been cured. No one dies anymore. Not from disease or accident or anything they are immediately revived and go about their lives. But death is still necessary and so it is the Scythe's job to select random persons to die a permanent death. By any means. This book is so intense and the characters are just amazing. I could go on and on but honestly I don't want to give anything away and ruin it for you! This one is a 10 out of 10 and even more exciting the second book comes out today!
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So there are my reads this month! Be sure to join the linkup and share your books!
Life According to Steph

What's New With You- 2018 First Edtion

Well hello there.

So it's been literally months since I have been back to this space. Part of that was due to my computer refusing to load up blogger or basically anything but work related items and even that was hit and miss. However lucky girl that I am my husband got me a new computer so that I can get back into blogging and basically not swear at my computer every time I work!

So now that I can finally get back to blogging and back to commenting and following blogs again I thought I would join the linkup and get caught up and catch you all up on what has been going on around here.


Our biggest news - We are expecting our rainbow baby this June! We are so happy and excited.




I'm currently 17 weeks along and things have been going pretty well aside from the normal pregnancy symptoms. Nausea has been pretty intense but it is starting to ease up now that I'm in the second trimester and I'm finally starting to feel the baby move which is amazing.

I do plan on doing an entire blog post on the first trimester because it was pretty intense due to stress and fears from my previous loss. It's been rough I'll tell you that much.


Secondly its the new year! 2018 is going to be a big one for us personally and while I'm not a big resolution maker I am hoping to make some changes this year in both my personal and professional life. I really enjoy working from home but I'm hoping to start incorporating more creative pursuits into that part of my life.

I do plan on getting back into blogging at least twice a week because I have really missed this space. I'm not sure what all those post will entail but for now I'm just shooting for updates and life stuff because I'm still not sure just what it is I feel like sharing yet.

Fitness goals are pretty much just sticking to being as healthy as possible while pregnant. I'm trying to workout when I can and eat as much "real" food as possible for the baby. It's a process and I'm not 100 percent amazing at it but I'm trying my best.

I think that is pretty much it for the update for now as this post kind of got away from me and honestly I'm really rusty when it comes to writing here. Hopefully I'll get in the swing of things again.

Happy New Year to you and yours!


What's New With You

What I Read: Summer 2017 Edition

Since I have missed the linkup these past few times I thought I would just go ahead and group my summer reads into one big post. Also I didn't get much reading done in June so I had to do some catching up in July and it just made sense to put them together instead of trying to separate them. 

So here's what I've been reading! 


Confessions by Kanae Minato- This book was strange. I liked it but at the same time it was really strange. I was never sure how I felt about any of the characters until the end and by then I pretty much disliked them all. But at the same time I really enjoyed the book itself. I liked getting to see the story from all the perspectives and I liked how they all tied together in the end but I'm still not sure how I feel about this book other than it kind of still creeps me out and makes me low key stressed out at the same time. But the fact that I am still thinking about it makes me sure that I actually did enjoy it. If you are into weird ones you might like this. 

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Into the Water by Paula Hawkins- Now this one I know I liked. I actually liked this one so much more than Girl on the Train. I loved this story and getting to know the characters and their dark secrets. I wanted to know more about the pool and why the women were drawn there. Or why they ended up there at any rate. I thought this novel was so well written and it had me on edge the entire time and I finished it in less than 24 hours. It may not please those who really loved Girl on the Train (which I greatly enjoyed but this one was better.) but it is a great read for anyone who loves that genre. 

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The Twelve Lives of Samuel Hawley by Hanna Tinti- I know several people have raved about this one already and I can add my own praises to that list. I loved the writing and the characters however I will be honest and tell you it took me a bit to get this one read as I kept getting distracted. It had a slow burn for me and that wasn't really what I was looking for. It was still a brilliant book and I feel like I will reread it in the future to give it a real shot but for now I can say that it was good. 

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A Court Of Thorns and Roses Full Trilogy by Sarah J Maas- Okay I am just grouping these three into one to save on space and time because I could honestly go all in and rave about these for hours. I know some might be inclined to judge because these are YA but I will tell you right now that I am hook line and sinker for these books. I read them all within a few days only delayed by the fact that I had to wait for the third to come in at the library. I already have the full set of hardbacks on pre order from Amazon because I must own them all. They are SO GOOD. The stories are well written the characters are amazing and I cannot sing the praises of this series enough. I could go on and on and honestly I want to fangirl out so badly here but I don't want to spoil anything. I have never read the Throne of Glass series by this author but I will having read these. However I guess Throne of Glass is still going while this trilogy ended. There are supposed to be more in the world but following different main characters and that is actually really awesome because I like when things have a full ending and I'm not waiting around forever. If you are a fan of Throne of Glass or of fairy tales in general I think you will love these. Word of warning however the audio book narrator sucks on these so just read the actual books instead. I wanted so badly to pick up the entire series on audio book to listen to whenever I wanted but was sorely disappointed by the choice of voice actor. (She takes weird pauses and tends to gasp a lot and that irritates me) Seriously these are bomb. New fandom acquired. 

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So that's what I read this summer! What have you been reading? Be sure to join the linkup and share!
Life According to Steph

What's New With You...

Kyra is starting preschool in a few weeks. I'm so excited for her but also a little heartsick over it. I mean she has been my buddy for the past 4 years and we have never spent more than 12 hours apart since the day she was born. Not that we will be spending that much time apart I mean it is only a few hours a week but still....my baby girl is growing up and it's happening to fast! 



Kyra also started gymnastics this summer. She has loved it since day one and I am so proud of how much she has learned these past few weeks! She can now do a bridge and climbs the ladder all the way to the top! She was so scared she would cry when it was time for the ladder in the first weeks but then about 2 weeks ago she just did it and reached the top and hit that big red button. Seriously I am just so proud of her I could burst into little fluffy bits of pride. She's growing and learning and I just cannot handle the cute of it all! 

I know it is fuzzy but she did it and I am just so proud!



I'm also planning on taking a whirlwind trip in just a few weeks. I don't have a lot to say about it yet because it is kind of a surprise/crazy thing and I don't want to jinx it but man I am excited and I cannot wait to see how it all turns out! It's going to be an adventure! 
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Working from home has been amazing this summer. Though it is not without its challenges. Sometimes I find myself utterly annoyed at taking on an assignment when I know that I've got a million other things going on at home. But I want those dolla dolla bills yall. It's been nice to contribute after so long of not having any income at all. I love knowing that I'm helping in any way that I can to keep our family going. 
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I'm also on the hunt for a new planner. I have loved bullet journaling but I have found that since my schedule is picking up I need something with a lot more structure that I can just grab and not worry about making a layout for it because the week is already there set up and I just need to fill it out. That isn't to say that I don't want something pretty and full of adorable stickers and cool markers but I need something that has some of the work done for me. It's going to get crazy around here once school starts and with gymnastics and with work.....yeah. So if you have any planners that you are legit happy with please let me know because I am overwhelmed with options. Also if it isn't too expensive that would be awesome because I want to get the absolute best bang for my buck! 
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Well that about sums up the current situation. I'm back into reading again and writing again and that is making me happy. I've also been focusing on taking an hour out of each day for my own personal use and that is helping me feel like a human again and thus everyone in the house seems happier. Who knew? 

Happy Thursday.




What's New With You

It's been a while....

It's been a long while since I posted on this blog.

That doesn't mean I haven't thought about it. In fact I think about coming here almost daily.

I think about the posts that I would write to you all. Things I would share. Things I would say. Cute little gifs that I find funny or little stories about my life that you might find entertaining.

But I never wrote them.

I haven't written in my journal since May.

I haven't written for pleasure for longer than that.

I hadn't been reading either.

Then suddenly a few weeks ago it was like the fog lifted. I tore through five books in just a week. I suddenly had my journal out and while I have yet to write in it ideas have been forming and thoughts have been culminating and at this point it is just a matter of time.

And then there was this blog. This blog that I loved so dearly but was avoiding. I had no idea what I was avoiding just that I couldn't come here and post the things that I wanted and I couldn't stop worrying about the fact that I hadn't even read a blog post in weeks and honestly what kind of blogger am I if I don't post or read blogs? Answer: a crappy one.

So since today is the first of August and since things around here are going to be changing a lot I am back here in this space again. I'm making sure that I am reading things that spark my interest and make me happy. I am going to start writing again even if it is all just nonsense on a page. I am back to trying to find myself again after spending the summer lost and somewhere else.

So I don't know if anyone is still out there listening but I'm sending this message into the void. Hopefully many more will follow.

Life Update

Wow. It's been over a month since I posted on this blog. I'm not even sure how that happened but I last night I was thinking about my blog and writing and everything that has been going on and I decided that I wanted to come here and do an update. I'm not sure what that will accomplish other than to make me feel better but hey that is a good enough reason isn't it? I think so. 


So basically I've kind of pulled away from social media in general lately. I haven't been blogging, I rarely Snap, I post only the occasional post on Instagram and Facebook is something that I skim and then close out of because the world is an angry scary place right now and while I'm
not burying my head in the sand I would rather not deal with it on a social media platform that in my personal opinion has had its day. 

In addition to that I've also been really busy. We had our anniversary, a trip for Memorial Weekend, Kyra's 4th birthday, and then a spontaneous trip to Omaha. It's been a very full couple of weeks but they have been amazing because they have all been about spending time with my family. Not just the extended but just my little 3 person family and that is really wonderful. Not to mention Kyra also started gymnastics two weeks ago and she is loving it and it makes me so happy to see her falling so in love with something that is so good for her. She is meeting new people, learning new things, and learning to do things on her own without me and that makes me so proud I could just burst. 


I also missed the book linkup this month. Not because I really "missed" it but because I was sad to say that I didn't finish 1 book in the month of May. So much was going on and while I have books I started I haven't finished anything up until this past Monday. I am still slogging through American Gods which I cannot tell if I really like or not...but I'm invested and I will finish. I am really glad that I  did finish at least one book this month though so I have something to post next month! 


I have not had coffee in nearly a week. This is NOT by choice. I ran out and we've been running around and we haven't gotten to pick any up. Then Kyra got sick on Monday and has been sick and so I haven't left the house because when we did on Monday she got really sick in a store and I don't think that either of us are ready to relive that again. So yeah....no coffee. Sure I could ask my husband to pick some up on his way home from work but he has been super busy with work since they moved the whole office to another (further away) location and he is so tired by the time he gets off work I feel super guilty about asking him to stop, so I'm just sucking it up until I can get to the store. 


I have been working. I wasn't going to share this here because it is just a little side job thing but honestly I really enjoy doing it and it is nice to be bringing in a little money on my own while still being able to be home with Kyra all day. However due to a computer crash last night I had a bit of a setback which I am still upset about but this is the first time since I started back in March that I've had an issue so really I've been lucky. I'm not going to bring this little job up on the blog much because as I said it is a small thing but I'm pleased with it all the same. 


So basically this is my long winded way of catching up. I hope to start blogging more but I am making no promises at this time because right now I have to take each day as it comes. There is a lot more going on that I'm not going to share on the blog but just know that I am still here and I am still reading all your blogs even if I don't always comment. I am usually a week behind and by that time anything I could say will have already been said but just know I am still reading and I have a MASSIVE book list from the book linkup and hopefully I will get some time to really read them this month. 

Okay I'm off, hope you all are well. Happy Wednesday.
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