Monday, January 14, 2019

2019 Goals

So we are 2 weeks into the new year, how is it going? 

Mine has been fine so far, actually it's been busy with the normal day to day stuff but in the middle of all that I finally got a chance to sit down and put my goals on paper and felt like I would share them with you all! 

1) Purge and Organize- I know that everyone is big on the whole Tidying Up thing and while I enjoyed the book I cannot stand the show. (The people are so annoying....I'd rather just watch her clean the houses herself without everyone else's drama.) I do enjoy the folding techniques which save space and I'm happily chucking out a ton of junk that I'm tired of staring at. 

2) Budget and Save- I'm putting this out into the universe. I'm shouting it out loud, THIS WILL BE THE YEAR WE BUY A HOUSE. We've been searching and watching out budget and saving and I'm just so very ready to have our own home. We are officially out of space here and no amount of purging is going to change that fact. We need a home that is our own. We need space. Also budgeting is still a huge goal because honestly I'm tired of being in debt. Yeah a house is debt but it is a debt that I want. Student loans years after I've been out of college? Yeah I'm OVER IT. 

3) Meal Planning- Part of the budget thing and part of the eating better and taking better care of my health. I'm also trying to make sure that I'm getting in the best I can for the kids. Robert too but honestly he's the pickiest of them all so I do the best I can. 

4) Blogging and Writing- I miss these things. I keep making excuses for why I'm not doing them but I'm done with that. I want to commit to blogging a couple times a week and I want to commit to writing daily, even just journaling counts. I'm going to do it. It makes me happy and I am all about increasing happiness this year. 

5) Take care of me- Self care, working out, eating right, reading, relaxing, working, all the things that make a person a person....I'm going to do more of things that make me a person. Being a mom is wonderful but it is not the only thing that I am. I'm going to start taking back a little bit of myself and again doing more of what makes me happy. 

So that's the goal list for 2019! Not too bad and well within reach I think! I'll be reading blogs this week too and catching up with all of you! Can't wait to see what everyone has been up to! 

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Tuesday, November 13, 2018

Shelf Love

Welcome back to the monthly book linkup. I actually managed to do this one ahead of time and schedule it so hello from the past!

Here's what I've been reading.....

Kate Daniels Series Continued- I won't go on about this too much but I'm continuing through the Kate Daniels Series and loving each book more and more. I will say there was a bit a fit thrown when I realized as I was reading what I thought was the next book in the series only to find out there was a novella that had key information that came before the book but was never mentioned. This is what happens when you come to a series late. The books are awesome however and anyone that likes modern fantasy should check them out. 10/10.

Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes- Again I'm late to the party. I know most people have read this already but I finally got around to it and I'm really glad that I did. The basic concept is simple enough, saying yes to things that make you uncomfortable and getting new life experiences out of them but the big takeaway I got from this is that while saying "yes" to everything she finally started saying "yes" to herself as well. Also this was hilariously written (I mean come on Shonda KNOWS writing) but I highly recommend the audio book because she actually reads it and it is awesome when author's read their own stories. If you are looking for a little self help without it being 'self help' check this one out...unless of course I'm the last person on earth to read it which is totally possible.


Be sure to join the linkup.

Life According to Steph

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Monday, November 12, 2018

Writer's Write, Right?

I didn't do NaNoWriMo this year.

I've done it every year.

I don't always finish. I know for a fact the first year with Kyra I didn't finish that story until much much later. But I did at least sign up and for the first few days or weeks I would write.

I didn't do it this year.

I didn't read the emails.

I didn't prep in October.

I didn't get that happy butterfly feeling on Halloween that at midnight I would start and write at least the very first sentence like I do every year.

At Midnight on Halloween I was awake but not writing. I was giving Ty a bottle and watching an old rerun of Chopped with the volume all the way down praying that he would go to sleep soon so that I could crawl back into bed and hopefully sleep for an hour or two before he woke up again.

I actually forgot about NaNoWriMo until someone on Instagram posted their daily word count Friday.

"Oh. I guess it is November." I said this and put the phone down and got back to folding the laundry.

I've wanted to be a writer since I was 10. I just knew I had stories in me and I just knew that someday my name would be on a book as the author. I knew it was going to happen. It hasn't...yet.

But writer's write. They sit down and they write. They think about writing. The worry about writing. Then they actually put words down.

I haven't been doing the word part.

I dream about writing. I make mental notes about characters and scenes and possible plot twists. I read books and re-imagine the scenes telling them my way.

But I don't write.

My time is divided now with being a mom to a 5 month old and a 5 year old. With being a wife. With being in charge of the household because let's face it most wives are whether you work or stay at home you are the force that keeps the other humans around you running and surviving. Still it feels like an excuse.

Writer's write.

But I haven't been.
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Friday, November 9, 2018

Stay At Home-Alone-Mom

I'm a Stay at Home Mom. I'm really proud of that because it means I'm able to see all the little moments my kids have. I saw all of Kyra's firsts and I will get to see all of Ty's. I'm also saving a ton of money because child care around here is astronomical rightly so watching people's children is a big deal and if I were to have someone watch them I would want someone with qualifications and that means paying more, but I'm saving the money and getting to spend time with my kids. Being a Stay at Home Mom is a really awesome gig most days. The thing is....

I underestimated how lonely this would be.

My whole day is spent with the kids or kid now that Kyra is in school. There are no other adults around. Also I don't get much time to chat online with other adults because Ty is an infant and infants do not have any concept of time and schedules or Mommy's need to interact with someone who speaks. When Kyra does get home it is a rush of homework, snack, keeping her entertained while I make dinner and care for the baby, and then the whole bath time, bed time, clean up the mess routine before I finally attempt to sleep a couple hours before the baby is awake.

The thing is I've never really been lonely. I'm pretty content on my own 99% of the time.....but now I'm pretty much alone 99.9% of the time.

I listen to a lot of audio books and podcasts now just to feel like there is someone else in the room.

Now my husband does come home and he helps...sorta. He works long hours and even when he is home he is working so our conversations are pretty minimal. He wants to complain about work and I feel drained just hearing it all while doing all the things I have to do to keep the house running. He means well and he'd probably do more but the time it would take to explain how to do it right I could just do it myself. Type A personality anyone?

People will ask, "What about your friends?" Well my friends live hundreds of miles away and are childless so our lives are at different points right now.

"What about your 'mom' friends?" I don't have any. Making mom friends is hard because we all parent differently. Making mom friends is hard because there is a big age gap between me and the moms with kids my kids age. There is also a decent sized age gap between my kids, by today's standards, and that makes it hard too. Also I suck at making friends. I need friends that I can see once every few months and it still feel normal. I get bogged down in the day to day and I'm no good at gossip or talking about 'normal' things. I'm weird and always have been.

"Why don't you go out? Get out of the house and make a run to Target? That's a mom thing to do." Yeah I do that sometimes, but my car is in the shop again and has been for weeks and that leaves me exactly here, stuck, which is what opened my eyes to the whole 'this is not what I expected' thing.

I realize that may seem silly to some. I mean I chose this life. I wanted to be here with my kids all the time. I love being with my kids. This isn't about them. This is about me. I'm lonely and the only thing I can think to do is write about it. So here I am. Back to my poor neglected blog pouring out feelings while the baby takes a nap that will probably only last 45 minutes and ignoring the mess from this morning's chaos of getting everyone fed and dressed and out the door.

I don't know where I'm going with this, I guess I just needed to get it out there into the void. So there it is, I underestimated how lonely this would be.

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Thursday, October 11, 2018

What I've been reading

So I totally missed the big book linkup that happened on Tuesday because honestly my life is just getting away from me. As they say the days are long but the years are short and every day with a baby in the house makes remembering that I have things outside of mom and wife stuff hard to remember. Still I wanted to share what I've been reading lately because I have read some AWESOME stuff lately! 

First and Foremost-----

The Kate Daniels Series by Ilona Andrews. OMG you guys. I had vaguely heard about this from other bloggers, had seen people post that they were reading it on GoodReads, and even one of my favorite podcasts mentioned it and it was only just a few weeks ago that I finally gave in and said "Fine. I'll give it a shot." I tend to avoid series lately because I just don't have the emotional capacity to invest in characters at the moment. Also some series just never end and others end without proper endings and I just didn't know what to expect. WELL. I am 3 books in and very impatiently waiting on the 4th to come in at the library and already have the rest of the books available on hold so I don't have to play this waiting game anymore. 

These books straight up rock. I love Kate and think she is hilarious and bold and my kind of bad ass female lead. I love that the love story bits are second hand and are taking their time to build instead of just jumping in and being like "HERE! LOVE STORY! ENJOY MINDLESS SEX SCENES!" Oh no we get some anticipation and build up and I am here for it. The world building is done so well without being tedious each book going back and explaining things over and over. Honestly I am hooked and am dying to get my hands on the 4th so I can continue. 10/10 would recommend to anyone that loves modern fantasy and magic settings. 

Endling the Last by K.A. Applegate- This is the first in what will be a series or I think trilogy maybe? Anyhow I picked it up because I liked the cover and also I have enjoyed K.A. Applegate since back when she wrote the Animorph series. This book is another high fantasy but for a bit younger crowd who maybe can't get into Lord of the Rings yet. I loved the characters and yay for more strong female leads! Basically it follows Byx who is afraid that she will be the Endling...the very last of her kind left in the world and goes on the quest with her as she meets new friends and enemies. Highly recommend if you like fantasy and are partial to younger fiction books. This isn't really YA as it reads a little younger in my opinion but the story is a great one and I'm excited for the next book. 

Josh and Hazel's Guide to Not Dating by Christina Lauren- Okay so this is a linkup book. I've seen several bloggers post this one and thought it sounded fun and easy which I was ready for after some heavy fantasy reading. This book was brilliant. I laughed so hard I cried. I adore Hazel and her "too muchness". I loved reading from Josh's POV as well and actually really enjoyed him as he wasn't what I consider the "typical" male lead. I mean sure this book is silly and predictable and ties things up in a nice little bow but honestly....couldn't we all use a little happy right now? Lighthearted and fun I would recommend to any hopeless romantics out there. 

And my Not So Awesome Pile- 

Love and Luck by Jenna Evans Welch- Oh I wanted to love this. I loved Love and Gelato and was so excited to see this book from the same author. I was even excited to see some characters that I knew. However this book just fell flat for me. I didn't like the characters. I felt like the "mystery" was being drug out and ultimately wasn't that big of a deal. I found myself putting this book down a lot and actually dreading picking up again because I felt the need to finish. It was a swing and a miss for me. Such a bummer. 

So that's what I've been reading lately. If you are looking for more books to check out be sure to click back to the epic linkup that I missed! 

Life According to Steph

What have you been reading lately? 

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Tuesday, October 2, 2018

Missing pieces

First off- Thanks to everyone that commented and let me know they are still out there. I really appreciate you all. Seriously I ugly cried.

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I've been toying with the idea of journaling again. Not just to keep my schedule but actual journaling. Just putting words on paper in addition to putting words on this blog. Partly to start easing my way into writing again which always makes me happy and partly to start putting good vibrations out into the universe so that maybe I can start manifesting some good.

I know that manifestation and good energies and the like are very trendy right now and I won't lie and say I haven't followed numerous blog posts and Instagram posts about it but I have always used some form of manifestation in my life even prior to now and prior to having a name for it. I actually have several crystals and gems that I have had for years that I use in a daily practice to find balance while meditating and trying to find a little bit of peace. Again crystals are a hot topic right now but some of mine I've had since high school so I'm really not trying to hop on the bandwagon here. I do find myself wanting more crystals now that I see more of them available but that is a whole other issue. Anyhow each day I sit with one that calls to me and focus my thoughts on something good or something that I am grateful for. Sometimes for just a few moments because that is all I have before life calls me back in. Still each of those little moments helps me find just a little piece of me that was missing.

I really just want to start putting good into the world because right now it feels like there just isn't much to go around. Everyone is starving for something good and filling. Something to heal the parts of us that are missing. The world is a scary place right now. It has always been scary but right now everyone is so divided over every. single. issue. It's exhausting. I actually have been avoiding social media as much as I can while still staying informed because I just feel so drained. Everyone wants to be right....but no one is willing to just DO right. So I want to do that. I want to do good things and focus on good things and be grateful for the good things that I have. Maybe if I can just send out those vibrations someone will feel them and pass them along. Maybe that is some hippy dippy nonsense but honestly it's worth a shot.

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Monday, October 1, 2018

Back to Blogging....And Some Changes?

I've missed blogging but I feel like the only thing I talk about is my kids.

Can I talk about just my kids?

I've missed blogging but I feel like no one cares.

Can I still come here and talk even though no one is going to read it?

I've missed blogging but what can I add to the conversation that isn't already out there?

Can I write even if my words aren't revolutionary?

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So yeah that's what's been going on in my head this past month. I want to come back to this space. So much so that I even updated the look of the blog on the down low just to see if that sparked something in me....and maybe to see if anyone else was out there reading. I feel the need to connect to someone out there outside of the mom bubble I've been living in but honestly.....all I do is mom stuff. It's an endless wheel at the moment and I had forgotten just how hard it is to have a new baby in the house. Kyra has been pretty self sufficient for a while now and I forgot what it was like to have someone depend on you for literally there EVERY NEED. It's a tough job and an all consuming one at times.

Then Kyra started school and that comes with a whole new set of changes and challenges.

Then everyone that I have in my support system is working. Literally all of them. All the time. Everyone is busy So I'm on my own with just one or both of the kids for nearly 12 hours a day. Every day. I'm in bed by 8:30 pm. I'm a night owl this is freakish for me. But if I want to be able to get up and function at 5 am after being up at least 3 times during the night with the baby and to pump then I have to. Then Kyra goes to school and it's just me and Ty and I take care of chores and work and blah blah blah and then it is 3 pm and Kyra is home and I'm busy with her after school stuff and then it's dinner time and boom....8:30 again. Endless wheel.

So I'm coming here. Back to writing. Back to blogging. Back to something that feels like me. Something that is just mine.

That being said it's going to be different because I am different. I've changed and so the blog must change along with me.

So I'm sending this out into the void. I have no idea if anyone reads here anymore but that's okay. I just need my words to go somewhere. I just need them out of my head so they can stop tumbling around in there all day on repeat. So out into the void I this thing on?
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