Guilt

Feeling like a dead beat mom….

 

Here lately I have felt like a pretty bad mommy to be. 

 

I keep reading about others that are busy get nurseries ready, deciding names, working on the registry…etc. 

 

I have little to no desire to do these things. 

 

I also feel horrible about having no desire to do them. 

 

The thought of the nursery is rather put on hold since I don’t know what theme to go with and also I have been offered a new crib and such by my mom but it will be a while before they are purchased. I have no idea on colors or any of that though…the only sort of “theme” that we have is perhaps Disney…and that was purely by accident…and a collection of stuffed animals. 

 

Deciding names has been particularly troublesome. Picking out boy’s names was something my husband seemed much more interested in…though admittedly he came up with some really “interesting” ones. Now that we are having a girl it seems like he expects me to come up with it, and I do have a name that I am partial to but that doesn’t mean I don’t want his input. I do want her name to start with a “K” but that is really the only thing I have as a stipulation. It leaves things wide open…and perhaps that is the problem. Also I worry that I will pick a name and then see her and it won’t fit…then you are back to square one anyway! Naming your child is something that is important after all, trust me I work in an educational system, I see names all day long that make me cringe. Names matter and I suppose that is why I am avoiding the whole thing. 

 

Working on the registry is just that…work. I haven’t been around a baby since I was a teen and babysitting. I remember a few things from then and a few things from when my own brothers were little but other than that I know next to nothing. Trying to pick out bottles, strollers, and other things has been overwhelming. I have recruited ideas from other mom’s via Facebook but all in all I feel like I’m a mess. Plus I don’t want to register for things I will never use; I have enough clutter in my life without going bonkers over baby “Must-Haves”. However the deadline for the baby shower is approaching and thus I need to register. All it does is remind me of the wedding registry which I found just as overwhelming and just as miserable. I hate asking anyone for anything and in all honesty I feel like I have too much already. 

 

I realize there must be other moms out there that feel the same way and I try to remind myself that it will come along in its own time. I know that I will do my very best to be the greatest mom ever….but it will come at a learning curve and unfortunately no one can really fully prepare you for what is in store once you have a baby. Each child is different, each family is different, and I will make mistakes along the way. Still I have the mommy guilt, I am so excited about the baby…but all the things that go with it seem to be more than I can handle at the moment. 

 

Right now I just want her to kick so my husband can feel her and not hold still each time he puts his hand on my belly. I want my sanity back as well as my organized mind. I do not appreciate forgetting what I am doing midway through or forgetting all together to do something. Feeling this way makes me feel guilty as well…but I guess that just comes with the territory.