What are your life goals?

This question was posed to me recently. No it wasn't for a job interview or anything like that, in fact it was in reference to a D&D character that I had created for a game my brother is running.

Seriously.

And as I was coming up with my characters goals and motivations inevitably I started thinking about my own and I found myself just staring into space before admitting....I don't know.

Well that is horrifying and panic inducing.

I mean my life is a good life.

I have a good husband and two beautiful children. I am a stay at home mom which was important to me so that I would be there should my kids need me at any moment. I have a good family that I am close with and a place to live in and food on the table and all those blessings we take for granted on the daily.

But what were my goals?

I mean I have the usual goals:
To raise good humans who are compassionate and loving.
To eventually own a home
To make enough money to be comfortable.

These are good family goals but what about personally? What did I want for myself? More staring into space.

Well....shit. I'd totally lost sight of things that I wanted for just myself. To be fair the world does not encourage selfishness in mothers. There is a small movement for empowering them but honestly people will still give you the sideways look if you are doing something that isn't at least MOSTLY for your kids.

So what are my goals? Who do I want to be when I define me? Well here's what I have...
To write a book.
To work at a library again. (My favorite job I've ever had)
To be a woman comfortable in her own skin.
To care less what others think.
To have a monthly date night with my husband.

Nothing ground breaking sure but for now they will do. I'm still a little in the weeds when it comes to thinking about just what it is I want...and not getting bogged down but what I SHOULD want and what OTHERS want for me. So for now I'll just leave this little list here on the blog, alone and quiet as I whisper into the void....what it is I want?

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So....yeah

Life has been super hard lately.

My dog passed away.

I got an unexpected flat that resulted in an unexpected expense of 2 new tires.

Depression and general misery took over making daily tasks hard.

My husband has been working 80 to 100 hours a week and we haven't seen much of each other.

The A/C died during the hottest month ever and I had to haul the kids to my parents' place for 3 days (not a huge deal since my parents were thrilled to have us there but their house is small and it gets real tight real quick.)

I've had a really hard time doing much more than surviving while trying to make sure that my family is doing well. To look at us from the outside things look just fine. The kids are happy and healthy and the house is clean and things are getting done...but honestly it is taking everything I have to do so.

So blogging was forgotten. Again.

Ugh I hate that I get inspired and things fall apart.

I hate that I want this so much but I AM NOT CONSISTENT.

I'm going to try to do better. I'm making a plan to write some posts this weekend and maybe get back on track.

Of course school is back in session in just a few weeks which will be a whole new can of worms.

I'm tired.

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I long for the old days

Recently a friend said that she missed the way that blogging used to be and that micro blogging was getting tiresome and people want to read more...or at least some of us do.

And that got me thinking....

I DEFINITELY miss the old days.

I miss Google Reader daily. I remember when I worked an office job and sat at a computer all day and I'd come in half an hour early to sit and catch up on all the blogs I followed. I loved just being able to scroll down and see everyone's posts without ads or frills or nonsense.

I miss the pointless awards and how excited we would get about them.

I miss linkups (though there is still an AMAZING monthly book linkup that I participate in when I remember and you should check it out.)

I miss the friends I made.

I miss funny quips and quotes and inside jokes that were formed.

I miss the stories.

That's what I really miss the most. I miss the stories. I miss how people told me about their lives in little narratives and snippets. Not such quick snaps that make you feel like a failure at life and that you are the only one that doesn't have it together....but actual tales from the deep. The hard parts of life, parenting, dieting, working, searching for love....the real stories behind people as they lived their lives.

I mean sure it wasn't perfect....but there also wasn't the pressure to BE perfect all the time. You didn't have to be "on" you set up your little blogging schedule and you showed up and told your little bit and hit publish. Instantly you were live and out in the void and people could see what you wrote. They could interact with you if they chose to and lots of times they would.

I realize this makes me sound like an old person idolizing the times gone by but whatever. It was just a better and simpler time of social media....and yes I miss it.

So maybe we should bring it back. Let's bring back actual blogging and real stories and real life....and maybe it'll be a combination of both...the old and the new....and it will be something even better.

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What's New with you? Stuff and Things

Joining the linkup today because I finally picked up my computer to do something with instead of just pushing it away in the perpetual mood that I've been in. 

February didn't involve a whole lot because the weather kept us in pretty much the whole time. I don't mind that though. Everyone is all like "Winter needs to be over" and " I hate snow" and I'm just here like....but then it turns into mud and then heat and then everything is sticky and muggy and miserable? Wouldn't you rather just live in your leggings and hoodie? Or is that just me? I dunno. 

Anyhow the biggest news (as I complain about the heat) is that we are going to Maui at the end of April! My cousin is getting married and my whole family is going and I'm so excited because this is the first time my grandmother will get to meet my kids. She's 83 and honestly this is probably a once in a lifetime trip for all of us so getting them there to meet her and getting some pictures with her means the world to me. 

I am a little frantic about getting everyone packed up and traveling with a 5 year old and a 10 month old but again my whole family is going and we will make it work. If you happen to be traveling to Maui at the end of April and are on our flight I apologize if Ty is screaming. He's a good baby really but yeah baby's cry and that's life. 

Speaking of Ty- He's 9 months old today! He is full on crawling which started about two weeks ago and now is pulling up on everything ready to start cruising and then walking. Kyra walked at 9 months so I'm not surprised at all. I am however having to put everything that is important to not get broken or baby slobber on it up out of reach or put away for the foreseeable future. We are also going through separation anxiety and that is super hard because I can't set him down for any length of time without him screaming which makes cooking, cleaning, basically life hard. He only wants to be held by Mama which is sweet but still....Mama is tired. 

Yesterday was grooming day and my girls LOOK SO CUTE!!!!

In other news Comic Con is at the end of the month and I am SO EXCITED. Mostly because my friends are coming in to go with us and that is always amazing but also because 3 of the Weasley's are going to be there and I'm going to meet them and have them sign things and ASKDEINGKLSKDIFNO! My little Potter loving heart can barely take it. 

And that is pretty much everything for right now. I'm going to be working on a post for tomorrow (*shock**GASP*) and maybe I'll blog more....I don't know honestly it all depends on the day. 

Have a good one friends. 

Be sure to join the linkup! 

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Stay At Home-Alone-Mom

I'm a Stay at Home Mom. I'm really proud of that because it means I'm able to see all the little moments my kids have. I saw all of Kyra's firsts and I will get to see all of Ty's. I'm also saving a ton of money because child care around here is astronomical rightly so watching people's children is a big deal and if I were to have someone watch them I would want someone with qualifications and that means paying more, but I'm saving the money and getting to spend time with my kids. Being a Stay at Home Mom is a really awesome gig most days. The thing is....

I underestimated how lonely this would be.

My whole day is spent with the kids or kid now that Kyra is in school. There are no other adults around. Also I don't get much time to chat online with other adults because Ty is an infant and infants do not have any concept of time and schedules or Mommy's need to interact with someone who speaks. When Kyra does get home it is a rush of homework, snack, keeping her entertained while I make dinner and care for the baby, and then the whole bath time, bed time, clean up the mess routine before I finally attempt to sleep a couple hours before the baby is awake.

The thing is I've never really been lonely. I'm pretty content on my own 99% of the time.....but now I'm pretty much alone 99.9% of the time.

I listen to a lot of audio books and podcasts now just to feel like there is someone else in the room.

Now my husband does come home and he helps...sorta. He works long hours and even when he is home he is working so our conversations are pretty minimal. He wants to complain about work and I feel drained just hearing it all while doing all the things I have to do to keep the house running. He means well and he'd probably do more but the time it would take to explain how to do it right I could just do it myself. Type A personality anyone?

People will ask, "What about your friends?" Well my friends live hundreds of miles away and are childless so our lives are at different points right now.

"What about your 'mom' friends?" I don't have any. Making mom friends is hard because we all parent differently. Making mom friends is hard because there is a big age gap between me and the moms with kids my kids age. There is also a decent sized age gap between my kids, by today's standards, and that makes it hard too. Also I suck at making friends. I need friends that I can see once every few months and it still feel normal. I get bogged down in the day to day and I'm no good at gossip or talking about 'normal' things. I'm weird and always have been.

"Why don't you go out? Get out of the house and make a run to Target? That's a mom thing to do." Yeah I do that sometimes, but my car is in the shop again and has been for weeks and that leaves me exactly here, stuck, which is what opened my eyes to the whole 'this is not what I expected' thing.

I realize that may seem silly to some. I mean I chose this life. I wanted to be here with my kids all the time. I love being with my kids. This isn't about them. This is about me. I'm lonely and the only thing I can think to do is write about it. So here I am. Back to my poor neglected blog pouring out feelings while the baby takes a nap that will probably only last 45 minutes and ignoring the mess from this morning's chaos of getting everyone fed and dressed and out the door.

I don't know where I'm going with this, I guess I just needed to get it out there into the void. So there it is, I underestimated how lonely this would be.

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Missing pieces

First off- Thanks to everyone that commented and let me know they are still out there. I really appreciate you all. Seriously I ugly cried.

I've been toying with the idea of journaling again. Not just to keep my schedule but actual journaling. Just putting words on paper in addition to putting words on this blog. Partly to start easing my way into writing again which always makes me happy and partly to start putting good vibrations out into the universe so that maybe I can start manifesting some good.

I know that manifestation and good energies and the like are very trendy right now and I won't lie and say I haven't followed numerous blog posts and Instagram posts about it but I have always used some form of manifestation in my life even prior to now and prior to having a name for it. I actually have several crystals and gems that I have had for years that I use in a daily practice to find balance while meditating and trying to find a little bit of peace. Again crystals are a hot topic right now but some of mine I've had since high school so I'm really not trying to hop on the bandwagon here. I do find myself wanting more crystals now that I see more of them available but that is a whole other issue. Anyhow each day I sit with one that calls to me and focus my thoughts on something good or something that I am grateful for. Sometimes for just a few moments because that is all I have before life calls me back in. Still each of those little moments helps me find just a little piece of me that was missing.

I really just want to start putting good into the world because right now it feels like there just isn't much to go around. Everyone is starving for something good and filling. Something to heal the parts of us that are missing. The world is a scary place right now. It has always been scary but right now everyone is so divided over every. single. issue. It's exhausting. I actually have been avoiding social media as much as I can while still staying informed because I just feel so drained. Everyone wants to be right....but no one is willing to just DO right. So I want to do that. I want to do good things and focus on good things and be grateful for the good things that I have. Maybe if I can just send out those vibrations someone will feel them and pass them along. Maybe that is some hippy dippy nonsense but honestly it's worth a shot.

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Back to Blogging....And Some Changes?

I've missed blogging but I feel like the only thing I talk about is my kids.

Can I talk about just my kids?

I've missed blogging but I feel like no one cares.

Can I still come here and talk even though no one is going to read it?

I've missed blogging but what can I add to the conversation that isn't already out there?

Can I write even if my words aren't revolutionary?

So yeah that's what's been going on in my head this past month. I want to come back to this space. So much so that I even updated the look of the blog on the down low just to see if that sparked something in me....and maybe to see if anyone else was out there reading. I feel the need to connect to someone out there outside of the mom bubble I've been living in but honestly.....all I do is mom stuff. It's an endless wheel at the moment and I had forgotten just how hard it is to have a new baby in the house. Kyra has been pretty self sufficient for a while now and I forgot what it was like to have someone depend on you for literally there EVERY NEED. It's a tough job and an all consuming one at times.

Then Kyra started school and that comes with a whole new set of changes and challenges.

Then everyone that I have in my support system is working. Literally all of them. All the time. Everyone is busy every.single.day. So I'm on my own with just one or both of the kids for nearly 12 hours a day. Every day. I'm in bed by 8:30 pm. I'm a night owl this is freakish for me. But if I want to be able to get up and function at 5 am after being up at least 3 times during the night with the baby and to pump then I have to. Then Kyra goes to school and it's just me and Ty and I take care of chores and work and blah blah blah and then it is 3 pm and Kyra is home and I'm busy with her after school stuff and then it's dinner time and boom....8:30 again. Endless wheel.

So I'm coming here. Back to writing. Back to blogging. Back to something that feels like me. Something that is just mine.

That being said it's going to be different because I am different. I've changed and so the blog must change along with me.

So I'm sending this out into the void. I have no idea if anyone reads here anymore but that's okay. I just need my words to go somewhere. I just need them out of my head so they can stop tumbling around in there all day on repeat. So out into the void I whisper.....is this thing on?

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Things I'm always doing (Or so it seems)

I saw this post floating around a couple months ago and this has been on my mind lately and thought 'Hey! Let's blog about it!' 

Laundry

Vacuuming

filling dog water bowls

unwrapping string cheese

putting on Barbie clothes

telling myself I will get caught up on blog posts and comments

Making tea

Pumping (Ugh such a love/hate relationship) 

Saying I'm going to paint my nails

Searching for a new planner that does everything I want it to

Wondering what kind of world my children will have after all this mess

Trying to think positive and do positive things so that the world they have will not be this hot mess

Cleaning bottles, onesies, and pump parts

Searching for food I can eat with one hand 

Dreaming of starting a creative enterprise that will stick. I want to do so many things and when it's 3 am and you are the only one awake you are always full of great ideas...now just to take the leap! 



What do you feel you are always doing? 

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So What's Up?

The Bump: This week we are 34 weeks and closing in on the final weeks of this pregnancy!

Doing Non Stress Tests until Baby Boy arrives. No worries he's perfectly healthy! 

Nesting: I have nothing done. I'm in a panic. Why do I wait so long to do things????

Kyra has preschool graduation in 2 weeks and honestly I can't even handle it.

We ran off to Baltimore and DC for a week.

First zoo trip of the year.

Carter's had a huge sale last week and Robert said to just fill up a cart so he could see what I liked and the stuff should arrive this afternoon! I'm so excited because everything was 70 percent off and I also had an extra 20 percent off so I SAVED A TON.

Unfortunately that savings is going to have to go to fixing my car as she is in the shop and I'm super sad. 

So that's what is going on around here? What's new with you? Be sure to join the linkup! 

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Sh*t I'm no longer sorry for

Saying No. 

My random taste in music. 

Not finishing bad books. 

Listening to a song on repeat until I can't stand it anymore. 

Loving makeup even when I don't wear it every day. 

Wearing leggings. Look I don't care what you say they are comfy and match everything and honestly with my massive pregnant belly they are about the only things I can wear because maternity clothes are a freaking racket and cost entirely too much for something I will only wear for a couple months. 

Being a massive fangirl and geek. 

Taking a nap. I'm currently making a person and contrary to what lots of people say, it's exhausting. 

For constantly having my hand on my bump. This bump is precious to me. I didn't know if this little rainbow boy was even possible and every time I feel him move I'm so happy. It also reminds me of when Kyra was in there and how joyous that was too. I adore my bump even as it grows heavier and slows me down. This bump is a miracle. Also why the hell do you care if I am holding my bump? Mind your own business. 

Taking long blogging breaks. Sometimes I feel it and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I can't look at the computer for another minute having worked on it for hours at a time. 

That when I'm at home I'm probably dressed in ratty old clothes. 

The only thing I do to my eyebrows is pluck and shape them. I do not have time for all that brow product stuff. 

I do LOVE some highlight though. 

Hating cooking but loving baking. 

For being myself. Emotional, passionate, slightly a mess, ridiculous, but all around good person with the best of intentions. 

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It's been a while....

It's been a long while since I posted on this blog.

That doesn't mean I haven't thought about it. In fact I think about coming here almost daily.

I think about the posts that I would write to you all. Things I would share. Things I would say. Cute little gifs that I find funny or little stories about my life that you might find entertaining.

But I never wrote them.

I haven't written in my journal since May.

I haven't written for pleasure for longer than that.

I hadn't been reading either.

Then suddenly a few weeks ago it was like the fog lifted. I tore through five books in just a week. I suddenly had my journal out and while I have yet to write in it ideas have been forming and thoughts have been culminating and at this point it is just a matter of time.

And then there was this blog. This blog that I loved so dearly but was avoiding. I had no idea what I was avoiding just that I couldn't come here and post the things that I wanted and I couldn't stop worrying about the fact that I hadn't even read a blog post in weeks and honestly what kind of blogger am I if I don't post or read blogs? Answer: a crappy one.

So since today is the first of August and since things around here are going to be changing a lot I am back here in this space again. I'm making sure that I am reading things that spark my interest and make me happy. I am going to start writing again even if it is all just nonsense on a page. I am back to trying to find myself again after spending the summer lost and somewhere else.

So I don't know if anyone is still out there listening but I'm sending this message into the void. Hopefully many more will follow.

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Confessions:It is what it is....

I confess that lately I haven't really known what I am going to do with this space. You may or may not have noticed my absence lately but basically I've written about 6 posts in the past 3 months. I'm just not sure what it is I am getting from this blog anymore. Sometimes I come here just as an outlet but lately I have felt paranoid about that. Once you put things on the internet they stay there forever and I worry about putting my heart here and then it being out there for all to see. I do keep a journal but I haven't wanted to write in that either lately. I'm not sure if I am avoiding things or what is going on but I haven't felt like coming here and addressing the things on my mind. 

I confess that honestly I feel like I have fallen into the trap of posting the same posts over and over again and I haven't put much heart into them which is something that I really dislike. I prefer to write things that if they aren't important than at least they are enjoyable and that has not been the case lately and I apologize for that. 

I confess that this probably stems from feeling a little lost and stagnant in my life lately. A lot of plans that I had for myself haven't come to fruition and now I am struggling to figure out what the next step is. 


I confess that after the epicness of a weekend at Planet Comicon it always takes a few days for me to get back to normal. It's like this huge adrenaline rush for three full days and then the sudden end of it is a really abrupt for me. Also being an introvert putting that much energy into getting ready and being out among that many people always drains me. So basically this week has been a bit of a wash because I am still trying to get back to normal. 

I confess that I'm not sure where I am going with this post I am just trying to be honest and put it out there that things are just kind of meh right now. I'm trying and I do love blogging I just feel like I don't have anything to add to the conversation anymore. I'm going to try and at least come here and post something once a week but it it what it is. 

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The One with the First Weekend of April

Well hey there. It's been more than a hot minute since I posted a blog. I have no excuses it just didn't happen in March. I'm going to try and do better this month. 

Friday: The little dogs were WAY overdue for a grooming appointment and so it was their day to get done. They were pretty matted up so shaved it is! That was fine with me because that means it will take longer for their hair to grow and honestly they seem so much happier and lighter without all that hair. I do have to knit some sweaters for them however because it is still chilly on our morning walks. 

Saturday: Rainy and chilly out so Robert and Kyra watched movies all day while I got some work done. After that it was basically all Netflix and some awesomely delicious meatball subs that I made but forgot to snap a picture of because honestly I'm just the worst blogger ever. 

Sunday: After spending all day Saturday in we decided to get out and about. We headed out for a late brunch and then the mall. Kyra got to meet the bunny at Build A Bear which was honestly way cooler looking than the actual Easter Bunny that was there for pictures. They let me take a picture but Kyra was pretty unsure of the whole situation. Still super cute though. 

Well we walked around for a bit and I basically window shopped because while I looked at a ton of things I walked out with nothing. Which is pretty much par for the course. Although they did have a Sephora and I was sorely tempted to stock up on some items but I resisted because I am in a spending freeze until Comic Con later this month. However we did get to meet this adorable Great Pyrenees puppy that seemed to really adore Kyra. 

After the mall we just kind of drove around (aka Robert drove me to places to catch Pokemon) and then headed home. It was an exciting night however because we watched my brother in law win the Madden 2017 Challenge! It was streaming live and it was absolutely awesome to see him win! I realize most of my readers are not gamers but just know that this was a HUGE deal and we are super proud of him! 

He's the one on the left!

All in all it was a pretty quiet weekend! Hope you all are well and here's to getting back to blogging again!

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#NotDead

Oh hi there. 

Yeah so it's been a hot minute since I've been here. Basically after we got sick, we got sick again,, and then life happened and I got busy and I had other big things happening and then suddenly boom...here it is weeks later and I haven't blogged, commented, or even read any other blogs. I finally cleared out my Bloglovin list to just the posts from the past few days and I will catch up with you all via those but if it happened a week ago I apologize but I missed it. My anxiety was spiking each time I saw my feed and so I had to do something. It's all about balance. 

Anyhow now that I am back again I thought I would share with you some images from the weekend. Nice and simple post to ease back into the swing of things. 

Here we go: 

Saturday: The weather was absolutely gorgeous and so we decided to go to the zoo. It was the perfect day, sunny and cool and not overly busy. Kyra had a great time. I love how excited she gets about all the animals! 

She looks so excited. LOL

Deep conversations with this sheep.

She was showing me Dory and Nemo

So happy to see the giraffe. Also I think Robert was bribing her with  a pretzel so she would say cheese.

Sunday: It was actually a pretty rainy and dreary day but Robert decided he would have a daddy/daughter day with Kyra and so my brother and I went out Pokemon hunting. Yeah we are adults who play Pokemon. #sorrynotsorry We actually had a really great time and caught some awesome ones. Loving the fact that Gen 2 is out! 

I was so excited to finally hit 25. It's hard to find Pokemon near my house since we live out in the country.

Monday has been a big catch up day for me. Two days of slacking means that there was a lot to get done today but I managed to power through and get most of my chores done before noon. It's amazing what gets done when you put on some good music and just make it happen! There is something going on with my washing machine but I am just trying to block it out for the moment. I cannot deal with that issue at the moment. 

So now I am going to try and attempt to catch up on all your blogs and possibly write a few more posts for the week. Wish me luck! 

Have a great Monday everyone.

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Confessions: Back to Life

Well I confess that blogging on a schedule went out the window. We came down with an awful sickness. I mean it was terrible. We were all down and out for a week and we still have a bit of the cough lingering. Also by down I mean DOWN. We spent the entire time in bed, coughing and aching and miserable. I wouldn't wish this sickness on anyone. 

I confess that during the time I was down I spent a large chunk of time watching YouTube and found one channel that I was obsessed with, FACTS. Basically it is Irish people trying things and it sounds boring but it is HILARIOUS. 

I confess our Valentine's Day consisted of getting Kyra a gift, giving each other some hilarious but simple cards, and eating Taco Bell. #notsorry #itwasamazing 

I confess we did go out for Chinese on Monday night instead because guess what? No crowds on the day before Valentines. #notapeopleperson 

I confess that I though about blogging a LOT during my sickness and kept meaning to bring my laptop to the bed and type while I sat there in misery but honestly I just felt so completely shite that I never did it. 

I confess that I've been debating changing up the blog layout lately as well. I like this layout but I feel like it's really impersonal and just kind of ....blah? I dunno, maybe I'm just ready for a change. 

That's it for today. Hope you all are having a good one and if not well, at least it is Wednesday.

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Confessions: Um Bye January....

I confess I am overly happy at the above image. It's so tropical and fun. Sure it doesn't really have anything to do with confessions but I still really like it!  

I confess that I was both surprised and a little relieved when I remembered that today was the first of February. It's been a topsy turvy month and while I don't think that it will get all that much better just because it is now February I'm still relieved.

I confess that this past weekend turned out to be so much more fun than I could have expected. It was all unplanned and maybe that was why it was so amazing.

I confess this is exactly my life. I have a huge stack of "To be Read".

I confess that I have thrown my knitting needles down more times than I can count this week out of frustration. WHY IS DOUBLE KNITTING SO HARD?!

I confess I usually respond to comments using the voice translate on my phone because I am lazy. #sorrynotsorry #somanyautocorrectfails

So what are you confessing today?

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