I wore a dress and didn't die

It really isn't a secret that I have body issues. They started when I was young and have progressively gotten worse. Though there was a beautiful moment in time when I felt amazingly beautiful and that was when I was pregnant. Sure not all pregnant women feel that way and sure toward the end I did feel a bit like a beached whale but I was so proud to be growing a little human being inside me that I didn't care about the stretch marks or the cellulite. 

After Kyra was born however the body issues came flooding back when I had 30 pounds of baby weight and only a 6 pound baby. I continued to feel worse and worse when I saw all these posts and pictures of moms that bounced back after giving birth. I didn't bounce back at all...not like the fit moms of blog-land or the superstars on magazine covers. In fact the body I came home with didn't seem like my body at all. In fact I didn't even recognize this body. Having a baby changes everything. Including where you gain weight and how you carry it apparently. 

So new issues arose, I got sad and frustrated, and so I hid. I hid in baggy pants and big shirts. I hid in jeans even when it was almost 100 degrees outside. Dresses and shorts? Those things were for skinny girls and fit moms. I didn't belong in those things. 

But lately there has been a shift. I'm not any thinner (not according to the scale, my mirror, or the camera anyhow) but I feel different. I am just...done. I am so over hating my body every minute. I'm tired of wasting my time worrying about things that just aren't worth worrying about. I am sick of sweating my butt off every summer in fear that someone might see my fat. 

This summer I have worn shorts, I have worn tank tops, and finally on Saturday I wore a dress. It was so humid and I desperately wanted to look nice but still be comfortable. The dress had been hanging in my closet for months and finally I was just like, "quit being a baby and just put it on...just see!" So I put it on. It fit. I looked nice. It wasn't billowy or super loose and it actually wasn't black. 

I wore the dress and I didn't die of shame. In fact...I felt pretty awesome. 

Not the best picture but the only one I snapped.

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Holding Back, Holding In, and Letting it go

Morning Everyone, 

I know today is normally a weekend recap kind of day and that Mondays (especially Mondays after daylight savings) are not really the place for a "heavy" post but honestly I have to get this out there and nothing else is going to get written until I do. 

Saturday I went jean shopping. I had lost weight last week and when I had gotten ready Saturday morning my jeans had slid on with no effort and since they are the only pair I have in that particular size I thought I would pick up another pair for backup. So off we go in the 67 degrees that it was and I grabbed about ten pairs of jeans in the size and headed to the fitting room. 

I tried on pair after pair and each one had something wrong. Too tight in the hips and wide at the waist. Too loose in the butt. Too tight in the butt. I will never get these buttoned/zipped. Pair after Pair. 

The experience was not one I want to repeat any time soon and I legit ugly cried right there in the fitting room.

You see even though I had been feeling slightly decent on Saturday morning I haven't been feeling all that great in general. I put on a smile and try to push my way through but honestly things haven't been great. At least in my own head they haven't been. 

I noticed it when everyone started talking about summer and swimsuits. Talking about the heat and then suddenly the weather is changing and it's almost spring.....and I'm over here having a slight panic attack. Not a good sign. 

I don't want warmer weather. I don't want swimsuit season or short shorts. (which BTW I saw at least 20 of them on Saturday and tube tops....you'd think we had been in an eternal ice age the way people were acting...) But why? 

Because I am not happy in my body. 

I feel like I don't know it anymore. I've always battled the weight thing....I've always felt like the "fat friend"....and I have missed out on things because I was so self conscience...but lately things are worse. Maybe it is because my whole body changed after I got pregnant. Maybe it is because I really want to Cosplay and being a plus size cosplayer is not a "popular" or "accepted" thing. Whatever the reason, I don't feel like myself anymore. 

My mom actually took a picture of me the other day and I picked it apart with all my flaws. That isn't okay. 

So I'm putting it out there....that I'm not happy. That things are not okay. I'm tired of holding it all in. Even if this post just goes out into the void at least it is out there...and out of my head.

I am going to continue with my weight loss journey but I am going to try to be less hard on myself about it. I will try to fill my head with good thoughts about my body. I have to start letting the poisonous thoughts go and move forward...I can't be the crying girl in the dressing room again. 

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