What are your life goals?

This question was posed to me recently. No it wasn't for a job interview or anything like that, in fact it was in reference to a D&D character that I had created for a game my brother is running.

Seriously.

And as I was coming up with my characters goals and motivations inevitably I started thinking about my own and I found myself just staring into space before admitting....I don't know.

Well that is horrifying and panic inducing.

I mean my life is a good life.

I have a good husband and two beautiful children. I am a stay at home mom which was important to me so that I would be there should my kids need me at any moment. I have a good family that I am close with and a place to live in and food on the table and all those blessings we take for granted on the daily.

But what were my goals?

I mean I have the usual goals:
To raise good humans who are compassionate and loving.
To eventually own a home
To make enough money to be comfortable.

These are good family goals but what about personally? What did I want for myself? More staring into space.

Well....shit. I'd totally lost sight of things that I wanted for just myself. To be fair the world does not encourage selfishness in mothers. There is a small movement for empowering them but honestly people will still give you the sideways look if you are doing something that isn't at least MOSTLY for your kids.

So what are my goals? Who do I want to be when I define me? Well here's what I have...
To write a book.
To work at a library again. (My favorite job I've ever had)
To be a woman comfortable in her own skin.
To care less what others think.
To have a monthly date night with my husband.

Nothing ground breaking sure but for now they will do. I'm still a little in the weeds when it comes to thinking about just what it is I want...and not getting bogged down but what I SHOULD want and what OTHERS want for me. So for now I'll just leave this little list here on the blog, alone and quiet as I whisper into the void....what it is I want?

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So....yeah

Life has been super hard lately.

My dog passed away.

I got an unexpected flat that resulted in an unexpected expense of 2 new tires.

Depression and general misery took over making daily tasks hard.

My husband has been working 80 to 100 hours a week and we haven't seen much of each other.

The A/C died during the hottest month ever and I had to haul the kids to my parents' place for 3 days (not a huge deal since my parents were thrilled to have us there but their house is small and it gets real tight real quick.)

I've had a really hard time doing much more than surviving while trying to make sure that my family is doing well. To look at us from the outside things look just fine. The kids are happy and healthy and the house is clean and things are getting done...but honestly it is taking everything I have to do so.

So blogging was forgotten. Again.

Ugh I hate that I get inspired and things fall apart.

I hate that I want this so much but I AM NOT CONSISTENT.

I'm going to try to do better. I'm making a plan to write some posts this weekend and maybe get back on track.

Of course school is back in session in just a few weeks which will be a whole new can of worms.

I'm tired.

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I long for the old days

Recently a friend said that she missed the way that blogging used to be and that micro blogging was getting tiresome and people want to read more...or at least some of us do.

And that got me thinking....

I DEFINITELY miss the old days.

I miss Google Reader daily. I remember when I worked an office job and sat at a computer all day and I'd come in half an hour early to sit and catch up on all the blogs I followed. I loved just being able to scroll down and see everyone's posts without ads or frills or nonsense.

I miss the pointless awards and how excited we would get about them.

I miss linkups (though there is still an AMAZING monthly book linkup that I participate in when I remember and you should check it out.)

I miss the friends I made.

I miss funny quips and quotes and inside jokes that were formed.

I miss the stories.

That's what I really miss the most. I miss the stories. I miss how people told me about their lives in little narratives and snippets. Not such quick snaps that make you feel like a failure at life and that you are the only one that doesn't have it together....but actual tales from the deep. The hard parts of life, parenting, dieting, working, searching for love....the real stories behind people as they lived their lives.

I mean sure it wasn't perfect....but there also wasn't the pressure to BE perfect all the time. You didn't have to be "on" you set up your little blogging schedule and you showed up and told your little bit and hit publish. Instantly you were live and out in the void and people could see what you wrote. They could interact with you if they chose to and lots of times they would.

I realize this makes me sound like an old person idolizing the times gone by but whatever. It was just a better and simpler time of social media....and yes I miss it.

So maybe we should bring it back. Let's bring back actual blogging and real stories and real life....and maybe it'll be a combination of both...the old and the new....and it will be something even better.

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Stay At Home-Alone-Mom

I'm a Stay at Home Mom. I'm really proud of that because it means I'm able to see all the little moments my kids have. I saw all of Kyra's firsts and I will get to see all of Ty's. I'm also saving a ton of money because child care around here is astronomical rightly so watching people's children is a big deal and if I were to have someone watch them I would want someone with qualifications and that means paying more, but I'm saving the money and getting to spend time with my kids. Being a Stay at Home Mom is a really awesome gig most days. The thing is....

I underestimated how lonely this would be.

My whole day is spent with the kids or kid now that Kyra is in school. There are no other adults around. Also I don't get much time to chat online with other adults because Ty is an infant and infants do not have any concept of time and schedules or Mommy's need to interact with someone who speaks. When Kyra does get home it is a rush of homework, snack, keeping her entertained while I make dinner and care for the baby, and then the whole bath time, bed time, clean up the mess routine before I finally attempt to sleep a couple hours before the baby is awake.

The thing is I've never really been lonely. I'm pretty content on my own 99% of the time.....but now I'm pretty much alone 99.9% of the time.

I listen to a lot of audio books and podcasts now just to feel like there is someone else in the room.

Now my husband does come home and he helps...sorta. He works long hours and even when he is home he is working so our conversations are pretty minimal. He wants to complain about work and I feel drained just hearing it all while doing all the things I have to do to keep the house running. He means well and he'd probably do more but the time it would take to explain how to do it right I could just do it myself. Type A personality anyone?

People will ask, "What about your friends?" Well my friends live hundreds of miles away and are childless so our lives are at different points right now.

"What about your 'mom' friends?" I don't have any. Making mom friends is hard because we all parent differently. Making mom friends is hard because there is a big age gap between me and the moms with kids my kids age. There is also a decent sized age gap between my kids, by today's standards, and that makes it hard too. Also I suck at making friends. I need friends that I can see once every few months and it still feel normal. I get bogged down in the day to day and I'm no good at gossip or talking about 'normal' things. I'm weird and always have been.

"Why don't you go out? Get out of the house and make a run to Target? That's a mom thing to do." Yeah I do that sometimes, but my car is in the shop again and has been for weeks and that leaves me exactly here, stuck, which is what opened my eyes to the whole 'this is not what I expected' thing.

I realize that may seem silly to some. I mean I chose this life. I wanted to be here with my kids all the time. I love being with my kids. This isn't about them. This is about me. I'm lonely and the only thing I can think to do is write about it. So here I am. Back to my poor neglected blog pouring out feelings while the baby takes a nap that will probably only last 45 minutes and ignoring the mess from this morning's chaos of getting everyone fed and dressed and out the door.

I don't know where I'm going with this, I guess I just needed to get it out there into the void. So there it is, I underestimated how lonely this would be.

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Things I'm always doing (Or so it seems)

I saw this post floating around a couple months ago and this has been on my mind lately and thought 'Hey! Let's blog about it!' 

Laundry

Vacuuming

filling dog water bowls

unwrapping string cheese

putting on Barbie clothes

telling myself I will get caught up on blog posts and comments

Making tea

Pumping (Ugh such a love/hate relationship) 

Saying I'm going to paint my nails

Searching for a new planner that does everything I want it to

Wondering what kind of world my children will have after all this mess

Trying to think positive and do positive things so that the world they have will not be this hot mess

Cleaning bottles, onesies, and pump parts

Searching for food I can eat with one hand 

Dreaming of starting a creative enterprise that will stick. I want to do so many things and when it's 3 am and you are the only one awake you are always full of great ideas...now just to take the leap! 



What do you feel you are always doing? 

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So What's Up?

The Bump: This week we are 34 weeks and closing in on the final weeks of this pregnancy!

Doing Non Stress Tests until Baby Boy arrives. No worries he's perfectly healthy! 

Nesting: I have nothing done. I'm in a panic. Why do I wait so long to do things????

Kyra has preschool graduation in 2 weeks and honestly I can't even handle it.

We ran off to Baltimore and DC for a week.

First zoo trip of the year.

Carter's had a huge sale last week and Robert said to just fill up a cart so he could see what I liked and the stuff should arrive this afternoon! I'm so excited because everything was 70 percent off and I also had an extra 20 percent off so I SAVED A TON.

Unfortunately that savings is going to have to go to fixing my car as she is in the shop and I'm super sad. 

So that's what is going on around here? What's new with you? Be sure to join the linkup! 

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Things that make my life easier

Makeup ovals- I use these nightly for either makeup removal or to apply witch hazel as a natural toner. They are so much better than just the regular circles!

My vacuum- This seems silly to add but honestly I love my vacuum. When you have 3 dogs and a kiddo....yeah vacuum to the rescue.

My planner- I've done the fancy planners. I've done no planners. The consensus? I'm in the middle. I love my planner that already has a layout and I just add my appointments as I need them. The thing is I DO need a planner now because otherwise I would totally forget everything. Between my own appointments, baby appointments, Kyra's school items, my husband's work stuff.....yeah we needed someone to have all this stuff written down!

Amazon Prime- How did we live without this in the old days? I need something quickly but it is nowhere to be found in stores near me? (so not uncommon since I live out in the country) Prime is my savior.

Pinterest- Now this one is a double edged sword. I have found so many things that I can DIY and have turned out and then I find things that honestly it would probably be better for everyone if I just bought it instead of making it but still I love it when I make something myself and avoid paying more than I need to.

Overdrive- I love this option from my library. Thousands of books and audio books at my fingertips 24 7 and all for free! It's so great to have when you want to travel light but still need to make sure you have a book at your fingertips in case you have to wait.

Extra Long phone cords- Life changers. Being plugged in sucks but at least with long cords I'm not literally against the wall all the time.

Watch Later on YouTube- This is such a great option when you see a video that you want to save for later to finish or simply save for later review if you are learning a new project.

Google Photos- All the photos on my phone backed up automatically so I lose nothing and never have to worry about deleting things to make space because they are already saved and easy to access from anywhere you log into Google.

Walmart Savings Catcher- I don't shop at Walmart a ton but when I do it seems I always spend a lot and Savings Catcher is a lifesaver. Basically you scan your receipt and they check to see if anything you bought was cheaper at any nearby store and then they give you the difference! It's automatically loaded up to a gift card on your phone and the next time you are shopping you can use that balance to pay for stuff! I love it because I save them up and use them for those unexpected expenses!


What are some things that make your life easier?

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Sh*t I'm no longer sorry for

Saying No. 

My random taste in music. 

Not finishing bad books. 

Listening to a song on repeat until I can't stand it anymore. 

Loving makeup even when I don't wear it every day. 

Wearing leggings. Look I don't care what you say they are comfy and match everything and honestly with my massive pregnant belly they are about the only things I can wear because maternity clothes are a freaking racket and cost entirely too much for something I will only wear for a couple months. 

Being a massive fangirl and geek. 

Taking a nap. I'm currently making a person and contrary to what lots of people say, it's exhausting. 

For constantly having my hand on my bump. This bump is precious to me. I didn't know if this little rainbow boy was even possible and every time I feel him move I'm so happy. It also reminds me of when Kyra was in there and how joyous that was too. I adore my bump even as it grows heavier and slows me down. This bump is a miracle. Also why the hell do you care if I am holding my bump? Mind your own business. 

Taking long blogging breaks. Sometimes I feel it and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I can't look at the computer for another minute having worked on it for hours at a time. 

That when I'm at home I'm probably dressed in ratty old clothes. 

The only thing I do to my eyebrows is pluck and shape them. I do not have time for all that brow product stuff. 

I do LOVE some highlight though. 

Hating cooking but loving baking. 

For being myself. Emotional, passionate, slightly a mess, ridiculous, but all around good person with the best of intentions. 

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What's New-Life Catch up and stuff

We hit 25 weeks this week with baby. If you didn't see our gender announcement on other forms of social media we are having a boy! 

Baby is doing well in face the doctor said she is very happy and everything is going perfectly. I cannot tell you how awesome that was to hear.

I haven't gained any 'weight' this pregnancy so far. I actually am down about 15 pounds because I was having some serious food aversions throughout the first trimester and since then I have just been trying to eat as healthy as I can whenever I can. I'm having a hard time eating for the most part and find myself getting super full really quickly. I'm totally not complaining since I gained like 40 pounds with Kyra and if I come out of this pregnancy actually smaller than I went in? BONUS. Baby boy is gaining weight just fine though so no worries there.

My pup Arya knocked over my old computer the other day and now it has finally bitten the dust. That was a huge bummer but at least it let me save all my files and everything to a hard drive before it finally powered down for good.

Since I'm working from home I decided to take my taxes to get done by a professional this year. I'm glad that she is taking over honestly because I have never had to deal with self employment tax and all the things that go along with that. It's just worth it to me to have the piece of mind that the taxes will be done correctly and I don't have to spend a day doing it and learning how to do it properly. #worthit

I've become obsessed with cleaning videos on YouTube. Like watching people clean their house. I'm sure it has to do with nesting but honestly it has also made me want to clean my house more and more so that has to be a good thing right? However it has also made me want to try new cleaning products. I see a lot of these women use Mrs. Meyers or they go through Grove Collaborative. Now this may just be because they are sponsored by these products but I'm honestly curious, have any of you used these products or this site? Is it worth the hype? This mama needs to know because I honestly just want to clean this house from top to bottom while I still have the energy to do so!

Speaking of energy it comes and goes. Monday I was fully of energy for the most part because I had a doctor's appointment and had things going on all morning, then I had a small nap, and then a birthday celebration with my in laws. Tuesday I felt like a truck hit me. So tired and so worn out that I didn't even get out of bed until 9 am despite being awake for about 2 hours by then. I was just there listening to Kyra breathe and feeling baby boy moving around and trying to stay as still as possible because if the dogs know I'm awake then they will promptly be all over me. Anyhow I did eventually get up but the whole day I felt like I should have just been in bed instead. SO TIRED. And then Wednesday I was full of energy all morning and got so much done but by 1pm I was napping on the couch with Kyra. It's just so up and down. 


And lastly I'm finally one of those to join the essential oil club. I bought a 3 pack at Ross with the intention of making some wool dryer balls and infusing them with scents to replace using dryer sheets. I haven't gotten my wool done yet but I did infuse some baking soda with the lavender and sprinkled it all over the mattress while I was washing the sheets and comforter. It made my bed smell like HEAVEN. Seriously game changer. Now I need a diffuser because honestly if it made my bed smell that good then I need my whole house to smell that way. Sold. 

Be sure to join the linkup and share what's new with you! 

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Today Marks 5 Years.

Of Love.

Of Fun.

Of Us. 

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Confessions:It is what it is....

I confess that lately I haven't really known what I am going to do with this space. You may or may not have noticed my absence lately but basically I've written about 6 posts in the past 3 months. I'm just not sure what it is I am getting from this blog anymore. Sometimes I come here just as an outlet but lately I have felt paranoid about that. Once you put things on the internet they stay there forever and I worry about putting my heart here and then it being out there for all to see. I do keep a journal but I haven't wanted to write in that either lately. I'm not sure if I am avoiding things or what is going on but I haven't felt like coming here and addressing the things on my mind. 

I confess that honestly I feel like I have fallen into the trap of posting the same posts over and over again and I haven't put much heart into them which is something that I really dislike. I prefer to write things that if they aren't important than at least they are enjoyable and that has not been the case lately and I apologize for that. 

I confess that this probably stems from feeling a little lost and stagnant in my life lately. A lot of plans that I had for myself haven't come to fruition and now I am struggling to figure out what the next step is. 


I confess that after the epicness of a weekend at Planet Comicon it always takes a few days for me to get back to normal. It's like this huge adrenaline rush for three full days and then the sudden end of it is a really abrupt for me. Also being an introvert putting that much energy into getting ready and being out among that many people always drains me. So basically this week has been a bit of a wash because I am still trying to get back to normal. 

I confess that I'm not sure where I am going with this post I am just trying to be honest and put it out there that things are just kind of meh right now. I'm trying and I do love blogging I just feel like I don't have anything to add to the conversation anymore. I'm going to try and at least come here and post something once a week but it it what it is. 

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The One with the First Weekend of April

Well hey there. It's been more than a hot minute since I posted a blog. I have no excuses it just didn't happen in March. I'm going to try and do better this month. 

Friday: The little dogs were WAY overdue for a grooming appointment and so it was their day to get done. They were pretty matted up so shaved it is! That was fine with me because that means it will take longer for their hair to grow and honestly they seem so much happier and lighter without all that hair. I do have to knit some sweaters for them however because it is still chilly on our morning walks. 

Saturday: Rainy and chilly out so Robert and Kyra watched movies all day while I got some work done. After that it was basically all Netflix and some awesomely delicious meatball subs that I made but forgot to snap a picture of because honestly I'm just the worst blogger ever. 

Sunday: After spending all day Saturday in we decided to get out and about. We headed out for a late brunch and then the mall. Kyra got to meet the bunny at Build A Bear which was honestly way cooler looking than the actual Easter Bunny that was there for pictures. They let me take a picture but Kyra was pretty unsure of the whole situation. Still super cute though. 

Well we walked around for a bit and I basically window shopped because while I looked at a ton of things I walked out with nothing. Which is pretty much par for the course. Although they did have a Sephora and I was sorely tempted to stock up on some items but I resisted because I am in a spending freeze until Comic Con later this month. However we did get to meet this adorable Great Pyrenees puppy that seemed to really adore Kyra. 

After the mall we just kind of drove around (aka Robert drove me to places to catch Pokemon) and then headed home. It was an exciting night however because we watched my brother in law win the Madden 2017 Challenge! It was streaming live and it was absolutely awesome to see him win! I realize most of my readers are not gamers but just know that this was a HUGE deal and we are super proud of him! 

He's the one on the left!

All in all it was a pretty quiet weekend! Hope you all are well and here's to getting back to blogging again!

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#NotDead

Oh hi there. 

Yeah so it's been a hot minute since I've been here. Basically after we got sick, we got sick again,, and then life happened and I got busy and I had other big things happening and then suddenly boom...here it is weeks later and I haven't blogged, commented, or even read any other blogs. I finally cleared out my Bloglovin list to just the posts from the past few days and I will catch up with you all via those but if it happened a week ago I apologize but I missed it. My anxiety was spiking each time I saw my feed and so I had to do something. It's all about balance. 

Anyhow now that I am back again I thought I would share with you some images from the weekend. Nice and simple post to ease back into the swing of things. 

Here we go: 

Saturday: The weather was absolutely gorgeous and so we decided to go to the zoo. It was the perfect day, sunny and cool and not overly busy. Kyra had a great time. I love how excited she gets about all the animals! 

She looks so excited. LOL

Deep conversations with this sheep.

She was showing me Dory and Nemo

So happy to see the giraffe. Also I think Robert was bribing her with  a pretzel so she would say cheese.

Sunday: It was actually a pretty rainy and dreary day but Robert decided he would have a daddy/daughter day with Kyra and so my brother and I went out Pokemon hunting. Yeah we are adults who play Pokemon. #sorrynotsorry We actually had a really great time and caught some awesome ones. Loving the fact that Gen 2 is out! 

I was so excited to finally hit 25. It's hard to find Pokemon near my house since we live out in the country.

Monday has been a big catch up day for me. Two days of slacking means that there was a lot to get done today but I managed to power through and get most of my chores done before noon. It's amazing what gets done when you put on some good music and just make it happen! There is something going on with my washing machine but I am just trying to block it out for the moment. I cannot deal with that issue at the moment. 

So now I am going to try and attempt to catch up on all your blogs and possibly write a few more posts for the week. Wish me luck! 

Have a great Monday everyone.

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Confessions: Back to Life

Well I confess that blogging on a schedule went out the window. We came down with an awful sickness. I mean it was terrible. We were all down and out for a week and we still have a bit of the cough lingering. Also by down I mean DOWN. We spent the entire time in bed, coughing and aching and miserable. I wouldn't wish this sickness on anyone. 

I confess that during the time I was down I spent a large chunk of time watching YouTube and found one channel that I was obsessed with, FACTS. Basically it is Irish people trying things and it sounds boring but it is HILARIOUS. 

I confess our Valentine's Day consisted of getting Kyra a gift, giving each other some hilarious but simple cards, and eating Taco Bell. #notsorry #itwasamazing 

I confess we did go out for Chinese on Monday night instead because guess what? No crowds on the day before Valentines. #notapeopleperson 

I confess that I though about blogging a LOT during my sickness and kept meaning to bring my laptop to the bed and type while I sat there in misery but honestly I just felt so completely shite that I never did it. 

I confess that I've been debating changing up the blog layout lately as well. I like this layout but I feel like it's really impersonal and just kind of ....blah? I dunno, maybe I'm just ready for a change. 

That's it for today. Hope you all are having a good one and if not well, at least it is Wednesday.

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Confessions: Um Bye January....

I confess I am overly happy at the above image. It's so tropical and fun. Sure it doesn't really have anything to do with confessions but I still really like it!  

I confess that I was both surprised and a little relieved when I remembered that today was the first of February. It's been a topsy turvy month and while I don't think that it will get all that much better just because it is now February I'm still relieved.

I confess that this past weekend turned out to be so much more fun than I could have expected. It was all unplanned and maybe that was why it was so amazing.

I confess this is exactly my life. I have a huge stack of "To be Read".

I confess that I have thrown my knitting needles down more times than I can count this week out of frustration. WHY IS DOUBLE KNITTING SO HARD?!

I confess I usually respond to comments using the voice translate on my phone because I am lazy. #sorrynotsorry #somanyautocorrectfails

So what are you confessing today?

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