My small mountain

 

Today would have been my due date. 

I wasn't sure what I should do about the date. It feels like a small mountain I have to climb and get past. Part of me wants to just let it slip by but it is going to be on my mind anyhow....honestly it is always on my mind. 

The baby that isn't. 

The thing is, after a miscarriage everyone is supportive....until they are over it. Then they expect you to be over it as well.

 It just doesn't happen like that. 

I still think about it daily. I still cry once in a while. I still grieve though I do so more often than not on my own. 

My husband grieves but mostly because he hates to see me hurting. He endured a lot that night too and I know he supports me in every way...but it isn't the same thing for him. 

I still ache. 

I really try not to talk about it but sometimes it slips past my lips and I can see how uncomfortable it makes people. I know they don't want to think about it. I know they want me to get over it and move past it.

I get that but it still makes me angry too. I lost a baby...I'm allowed to be sad. I'm allowed to talk if I need to....
 
So today I'm just a little sadder. I wish there was a birthday to celebrate instead of a loss. But I will carry on, that's what mother's do. 

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If you don't follow me on other forms of social media then you probably have no idea where I have been and what has been going on this past week. 

I apologize that I am so behind on comments and posting and basically life in general but this last week was a really long and hard week. 

You may have seen (or may not) that a detective in Kansas City was shot and killed in the line of duty. 

 

He was family. 

He was my cousin's husband and he was a good man and a great father. I had just seen him a few days before at his youngest daughter's birthday party. He was laughing and playing with the kids. 

The whole thing has just been tragic and heartbreaking. 

However in spite of this horrible tragedy this city has shown nothing but support and love for his family and the turn out for his funeral....the sheer scale and magnitude of it....was astounding. 

I was so moved by the compassion of this city.....I still cannot properly explain just what it meant...

All I can say is Thank You. 

  Thank You to the KCPD. You are all heroes in every sense of the word. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you Kansas City.

Thank you to my hometown of Weston. 

Thank you KC Sporting. 

Thank you to all of the officers, coordinators, citizens, basically EVERYONE that has been there every step of the way this week helping. 



And lastly....

Brad....we will miss you terribly. May you rest now. 

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Coping

I wasn't sure when I would want to blog again.

However blogging has been on my mind a lot this past week.

Actually pretty much anything that I could find as a distraction has been on my mind.

I have to find things to do in order to keep from dwelling on what happened.

I get that some might find this odd or whatever but honestly I have to keep busy or else I run the risk of falling into a pit of misery and I'm terrified of how deep that pit is....and I don't know if there is a ladder out of it.

So I'm trying to stay busy.

I'm writing, coloring, baking, knitting, online shopping, watching movies, surfing Instagram, surfing Pinterest...basically anything anything at all.

That's how I'm coping.

I can't say if it is the right way or the healthy way, but it is is MY way of dealing.

I'm still crying. I'm still mourning. I'm still so incredibly suffocatingly sad.

I'm drowning in sadness....but I have to keep going.

Kyra needs me. Robert needs me. The world is still turning and even though this happened I have to still be apart of it.

So Thank You so very much to everyone that sent well wishes and good thoughts. I really do appreciate it.

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Hollow

I didn't know if I was going to write this post.

I wasn't even sure if I could.

However as usual writing is the only thing I can do when I can't express things out loud. Also I will probably be away from the blog for a while....I'm not sure how long....and I wanted you all to know why it is that I'm not around.

On Monday night....I lost the baby.

Everything was fine...and then it wasn't. It isn't.

I feel hollowed out inside. That is the only description that really describes it.

Emotionally I feel....numb. I have a lot of questions that I know will never be answered. I have a lot of pain that I know will never properly heal.

I'm not really ready to talk about everything yet. I'm sure that will be something that I will eventually have to write out in the future but right now....right now I can't.

Everything was fine...and then it wasn't.

And I will never know why.

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Time

I honestly don't know what to post today. 

A tragedy happened in my family and while it happened to a distant cousin it doesn't make it any less tragic. She lost her little boy...he was only three....just a year older than Kyra. My heart aches for her.

I guess what I really want to convey with this post is, during this week when we recognize our blessings and remember to be thankful, is that we always assume we have more time. Time to do the things we want to do. Time to hug the ones we love. 

But one day will be the last day. 

One time will be the last time. 

So if you are going to be seeing family this holiday. Hold them tight. 

If you aren't going to see them. Call them. 

Tell people you love them. Cherish memories that  you've made and laugh and enjoy one another. 

Because time is fleeting, and there is never enough of it. 

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Returning

Good Morning Everyone, 

First off, Thank You to all that sent me messages and prayers throughout last week. I really do appreciate every single one of them. I know I didn't get back to emails but honestly the whole week I spent mostly in a fog and when not in the fog trying to be a good wife and mother. I felt very closed down the whole week but I am ready to get back to things. 

I will admit to you that I marked all the blogs I missed as "Read" last night. I will get back to reading today but I just missed so much in the past two weeks and it was overwhelming to the point that I was actively avoiding looking at my Bloglovin' Feed. So I marked them as read and was done with it. I'll do better this week. 

This week I do plan to get up my Planet Comicon post, My Confessions and I have so many things tagged for Friday Favorites that I am probably going to have to only do half of them this week! 

Today however I just wanted to get back into the blogging world and to say thank you to all of you and I leave you with this. I am not sure why but this little penguin was a great source of comfort in those moments between grief and stress...when it all felt like too much. Maybe it will help some of you this Monday Morning. 

Big hugs from here.

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