What are your life goals?

This question was posed to me recently. No it wasn't for a job interview or anything like that, in fact it was in reference to a D&D character that I had created for a game my brother is running.

Seriously.

And as I was coming up with my characters goals and motivations inevitably I started thinking about my own and I found myself just staring into space before admitting....I don't know.

Well that is horrifying and panic inducing.

I mean my life is a good life.

I have a good husband and two beautiful children. I am a stay at home mom which was important to me so that I would be there should my kids need me at any moment. I have a good family that I am close with and a place to live in and food on the table and all those blessings we take for granted on the daily.

But what were my goals?

I mean I have the usual goals:
To raise good humans who are compassionate and loving.
To eventually own a home
To make enough money to be comfortable.

These are good family goals but what about personally? What did I want for myself? More staring into space.

Well....shit. I'd totally lost sight of things that I wanted for just myself. To be fair the world does not encourage selfishness in mothers. There is a small movement for empowering them but honestly people will still give you the sideways look if you are doing something that isn't at least MOSTLY for your kids.

So what are my goals? Who do I want to be when I define me? Well here's what I have...
To write a book.
To work at a library again. (My favorite job I've ever had)
To be a woman comfortable in her own skin.
To care less what others think.
To have a monthly date night with my husband.

Nothing ground breaking sure but for now they will do. I'm still a little in the weeds when it comes to thinking about just what it is I want...and not getting bogged down but what I SHOULD want and what OTHERS want for me. So for now I'll just leave this little list here on the blog, alone and quiet as I whisper into the void....what it is I want?

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So....yeah

Life has been super hard lately.

My dog passed away.

I got an unexpected flat that resulted in an unexpected expense of 2 new tires.

Depression and general misery took over making daily tasks hard.

My husband has been working 80 to 100 hours a week and we haven't seen much of each other.

The A/C died during the hottest month ever and I had to haul the kids to my parents' place for 3 days (not a huge deal since my parents were thrilled to have us there but their house is small and it gets real tight real quick.)

I've had a really hard time doing much more than surviving while trying to make sure that my family is doing well. To look at us from the outside things look just fine. The kids are happy and healthy and the house is clean and things are getting done...but honestly it is taking everything I have to do so.

So blogging was forgotten. Again.

Ugh I hate that I get inspired and things fall apart.

I hate that I want this so much but I AM NOT CONSISTENT.

I'm going to try to do better. I'm making a plan to write some posts this weekend and maybe get back on track.

Of course school is back in session in just a few weeks which will be a whole new can of worms.

I'm tired.

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I long for the old days

Recently a friend said that she missed the way that blogging used to be and that micro blogging was getting tiresome and people want to read more...or at least some of us do.

And that got me thinking....

I DEFINITELY miss the old days.

I miss Google Reader daily. I remember when I worked an office job and sat at a computer all day and I'd come in half an hour early to sit and catch up on all the blogs I followed. I loved just being able to scroll down and see everyone's posts without ads or frills or nonsense.

I miss the pointless awards and how excited we would get about them.

I miss linkups (though there is still an AMAZING monthly book linkup that I participate in when I remember and you should check it out.)

I miss the friends I made.

I miss funny quips and quotes and inside jokes that were formed.

I miss the stories.

That's what I really miss the most. I miss the stories. I miss how people told me about their lives in little narratives and snippets. Not such quick snaps that make you feel like a failure at life and that you are the only one that doesn't have it together....but actual tales from the deep. The hard parts of life, parenting, dieting, working, searching for love....the real stories behind people as they lived their lives.

I mean sure it wasn't perfect....but there also wasn't the pressure to BE perfect all the time. You didn't have to be "on" you set up your little blogging schedule and you showed up and told your little bit and hit publish. Instantly you were live and out in the void and people could see what you wrote. They could interact with you if they chose to and lots of times they would.

I realize this makes me sound like an old person idolizing the times gone by but whatever. It was just a better and simpler time of social media....and yes I miss it.

So maybe we should bring it back. Let's bring back actual blogging and real stories and real life....and maybe it'll be a combination of both...the old and the new....and it will be something even better.

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The Abandoned Blog

What happens to a blog when you ignore it for months?

What happens to a blogger when they go off grid?

Way back when I started blogging it meant that someone had either fallen off the wagon (diet blogging was big back then) or it meant that they had just gotten bored or frustrated with not being as popular as other bloggers.

So what happened to my blog?

Life. Kids. Husband. I mean these things happen to loads of bloggers and they end up with more content than ever.

So what happened to me? Well....nothing really. I've actually done more this year than ever and it's been busy and fun and crazy and I've had tons of things to blog about but I haven't because it hasn't felt right. I've wanted to share so much with everyone but things haven't felt....good or right or....well okay at all.

It sucks to come back after a long period of being away and not know what to say because everything is just an excuse and you don't want to just dive in with exciting new things because no one has heard from you in forever and you are like some weird estranged relative that suddenly shows up at the family holiday party uninvited with tales of your mad adventures but um....no one even asked you to come so why are you here?

Yep that's what it feels like.

But I want to come back and share all the things. My trip to Maui, my kids birthday's this week (the same week even though they are 5 years apart), and also....the struggle with postpartum that I didn't want to admit to or acknowledge. There are so many things I want to share....but I feel so guilty for not being around, not writing, not being a part of a community that I think about daily but contribute nothing to.....The guilt is a real and heavy thing.....but if it is okay........and it probably is because I'm talking to myself here....I'm gonna creep back in here and write a little bit. Just a little. No promises on how much or how consistent....I know I'm not great at sticking with it....so I'll just put this here for now and maybe just maybe....something will come from it.

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What's New with you? Stuff and Things

Joining the linkup today because I finally picked up my computer to do something with instead of just pushing it away in the perpetual mood that I've been in. 

February didn't involve a whole lot because the weather kept us in pretty much the whole time. I don't mind that though. Everyone is all like "Winter needs to be over" and " I hate snow" and I'm just here like....but then it turns into mud and then heat and then everything is sticky and muggy and miserable? Wouldn't you rather just live in your leggings and hoodie? Or is that just me? I dunno. 

Anyhow the biggest news (as I complain about the heat) is that we are going to Maui at the end of April! My cousin is getting married and my whole family is going and I'm so excited because this is the first time my grandmother will get to meet my kids. She's 83 and honestly this is probably a once in a lifetime trip for all of us so getting them there to meet her and getting some pictures with her means the world to me. 

I am a little frantic about getting everyone packed up and traveling with a 5 year old and a 10 month old but again my whole family is going and we will make it work. If you happen to be traveling to Maui at the end of April and are on our flight I apologize if Ty is screaming. He's a good baby really but yeah baby's cry and that's life. 

Speaking of Ty- He's 9 months old today! He is full on crawling which started about two weeks ago and now is pulling up on everything ready to start cruising and then walking. Kyra walked at 9 months so I'm not surprised at all. I am however having to put everything that is important to not get broken or baby slobber on it up out of reach or put away for the foreseeable future. We are also going through separation anxiety and that is super hard because I can't set him down for any length of time without him screaming which makes cooking, cleaning, basically life hard. He only wants to be held by Mama which is sweet but still....Mama is tired. 

Yesterday was grooming day and my girls LOOK SO CUTE!!!!

In other news Comic Con is at the end of the month and I am SO EXCITED. Mostly because my friends are coming in to go with us and that is always amazing but also because 3 of the Weasley's are going to be there and I'm going to meet them and have them sign things and ASKDEINGKLSKDIFNO! My little Potter loving heart can barely take it. 

And that is pretty much everything for right now. I'm going to be working on a post for tomorrow (*shock**GASP*) and maybe I'll blog more....I don't know honestly it all depends on the day. 

Have a good one friends. 

Be sure to join the linkup! 

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It's all a mess.

I come back to blogging all the time.

A new post! Here we are! Changes! New Things! I'm here for good this time!

Yeah I do this all the time. And then nothing. Vanish. Poof. I fail.

Because it's all a mess.

My house is in shambles still from Christmas. I have things that still aren't out of boxes yet. The decor is all nicely put away...but there is still....STUFF....everywhere.....

I started to move the kids' room around to put them together and I have a changing table living in my hallway now because I can't move it alone and the weather has been awful here so I haven't had a lot of company.

I started to Konmari my clothes and while my drawers look very nice I dread laundry now because I'm thinking about having to thank my clothes and fold them properly so they can go in the drawers...so instead they live in the laundry basket or they get hanged in the closet that is overflowing with not my clothes, not my kid's clothes, my HUSBAND'S clothes. Office jobs require lots of blazers and slacks and long sleeves apparently. I dunno my clothes are a mishmash of whatever I can fit into with this post baby body and the few nice things I wear when I have to leave the house.

Children's toys have taken over.

My vacuum broke.

I have a 7 month old who is teething and a 5 year old that is learning new sight words so she asks what every word she sees is and I'm so happy to be with them and cuddle them and help them learn but you can't really do that and do the other stuff too.

I come to the computer and I see assignments I should be doing instead of blogging.

I feel like I'm in a spiral. It's a messy spiral of chaos and clutter and crazy.

So yeah....I suck at blogging. I suck at coming here and putting words down that make sense and while I can easily rehash a popular post and basically "fill in the blanks" I feel like that is a cheat and who would what to read that anyway?

So I'll be here. I'm reading your posts. I'm commenting when I can because Disqus hates my guts. But I'm here...in the mess of it all....and I'm sorting it all out.

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2019 Goals

So we are 2 weeks into the new year, how is it going? 

Mine has been fine so far, actually it's been busy with the normal day to day stuff but in the middle of all that I finally got a chance to sit down and put my goals on paper and felt like I would share them with you all! 

1) Purge and Organize- I know that everyone is big on the whole Tidying Up thing and while I enjoyed the book I cannot stand the show. (The people are so annoying....I'd rather just watch her clean the houses herself without everyone else's drama.) I do enjoy the folding techniques which save space and I'm happily chucking out a ton of junk that I'm tired of staring at. 

2) Budget and Save- I'm putting this out into the universe. I'm shouting it out loud, THIS WILL BE THE YEAR WE BUY A HOUSE. We've been searching and watching out budget and saving and I'm just so very ready to have our own home. We are officially out of space here and no amount of purging is going to change that fact. We need a home that is our own. We need space. Also budgeting is still a huge goal because honestly I'm tired of being in debt. Yeah a house is debt but it is a debt that I want. Student loans years after I've been out of college? Yeah I'm OVER IT. 

3) Meal Planning- Part of the budget thing and part of the eating better and taking better care of my health. I'm also trying to make sure that I'm getting in the best I can for the kids. Robert too but honestly he's the pickiest of them all so I do the best I can. 

4) Blogging and Writing- I miss these things. I keep making excuses for why I'm not doing them but I'm done with that. I want to commit to blogging a couple times a week and I want to commit to writing daily, even just journaling counts. I'm going to do it. It makes me happy and I am all about increasing happiness this year. 

5) Take care of me- Self care, working out, eating right, reading, relaxing, working, all the things that make a person a person....I'm going to do more of things that make me a person. Being a mom is wonderful but it is not the only thing that I am. I'm going to start taking back a little bit of myself and again doing more of what makes me happy. 


So that's the goal list for 2019! Not too bad and well within reach I think! I'll be reading blogs this week too and catching up with all of you! Can't wait to see what everyone has been up to! 

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