I saw an article on Twitter today about Meghan Markle’s miscarriage. I, of course, read it because having had two miscarriages myself I always read when someone shares their story because I know the pain that it is and I know that it is a hard story to share when the world makes the subject so taboo and basically just wants you to shut up about it already. Anyhow in the article she says that this year when it has been so difficult for everyone around the world we should ask, “Are you okay?” and while this is such a lovely statement and a wonderful idea I had another thought. As someone who has been in pain and someone who others like to unload their pain and worries upon I feel that something else should be understood, do not ask someone if they are okay if you are not prepared to hear the ugly truth.
After my first miscarriage people will very kind. They checked in on me. They called and left sweet messages. They said the normal things that people say when you have experienced a loss. We only connect to pain we are familiar with usually and thankfully my circle at the time didn’t have a lot of experience with this type of loss. However there was still an undercurrent there of ‘don’t share too much’ and ‘that’s kinda gross’ and of course the very present ‘well that’s just how it is’.
After my second miscarriage it was completely different. Yes people said a few kind things but for the most part I was very alone. I have a lot of trauma from that night because the staff at that particular ER didn’t care about my situation at all and even at one point left me alone in a bed in a freezing hallway away from my husband while I bled out on the bed and sobbed silently in pain and utter misery. When I finally did get home from that awful experience I found that all those open hearts were closed. People didn’t want to hear about a second one. They assumed it was the same as the first. They said things like “God’s plan” and “It was so early” and even heartlessly, “Well you already have two.” As if that meant that I couldn’t be sad about losing this one. It hurt beyond measure but like most women have been taught I swallowed my pain and I put on a brave face. I had two other kids to take care of after all, who had time to process the pain? Those of us without extra help learn to push through and bury the hurt because we know that if we let up even a moment the world we have so carefully built around us will crumble so we say nothing. But if someone were to ask, “Are you okay?” well there is no telling what will come tumbling out. One can only push things down for so long, eventually the truth will out.
The world is very hard right now. Everyone is in a state of mild anxiety at best and we are all worried and hurting, that is just a given. But I want you to know that if you ask someone if they are okay this is exactly the type of year when they are going to tell you the truth. They are going to share things with you that will probably make you uncomfortable. They are going to say things that make you feel out of place and weird and maybe even wonder how they could tell someone those things. Trust me, they may not really want to but the levee has finally broken and they can’t stop. The pain has to go somewhere and if you give them an outlet you cannot be surprised when they take it. So if you are going to ask if they are okay, be prepared for when they say they are not.
