Too scared to breathe: Pregnancy After Loss

Two pink lines. I immediately broke down crying. I'm pregnant and I'm terrified.

I spent the first trimester of this pregnancy not breathing properly. I felt like I couldn't take a full breathe or sigh or even think about what was going on inside me for fear that I would somehow jinx it. This was such a change from my first pregnancy and even my second...the one that I lost. When I first found out with those pregnancies I was just ready to jump for joy and share the news with anyone I saw. However the loss of my second pregnancy changed this for me. Drastically.

Please don't misunderstand me...I'm so very thrilled for this pregnancy and this baby. I hate that I spent the first trimester in a constant state of fear instead of appreciating what a miracle it was but I was so scared. I was so scared to tell anyone because I didn't want to get anyone's hopes up. I didn't want to get my own hopes up. There were weeks when I didn't even acknowledge the pregnancy to myself until I was getting sick. I spent a lot of the first trimester sick as a dog which isn't uncommon but I have to wonder if I was making things worse by being stressed and scared. I was also grateful every time I got sick. Seriously. Every time I threw up I was grateful because that meant there was still a baby in there.

I really like my doctor. She totally gets my fears and she was so patient with me. She made sure to do the blood tests to ease my fears. Her nurses always were kind and patient as I explained my newest pain or worry and made me feel at ease and totally normal. I cannot thank them enough for being so amazing while I was freaking out. If you are dealing with this...call your nurses, call your doctor, they are there to help you and if you have good ones you will feel immediate relief after just a phone call. That kind of piece of mind means the difference between sleep and no sleep for me.

The first trimester I told my parents and my husband only. If you are pregnant it is completely up to you when you tell people. Do what makes you feel comfortable as no one can predict what that level of comfort will be except for you. This time around I just didn't want to share. I wanted to keep this to myself and just wait until I knew for sure. I'm glad I did because when I finally got to share my news when I hit the second trimester I finally felt the tightness in my chest release. That feeling was so liberating.

My big moment the moment when I finally let myself believe and grieve and hope and feel all of the feelings was when we went in to hear the heartbeat. My doctor did all the normal checks and finally it was time to hear our little one's heartbeat. Kyra and Robert were there with me and then finally I heard that oh so sweet sound of our baby. I will tell you right now I cried. I was so happy and so very relieved. I will tell you I was also thrilled when my doctor said she wanted to schedule an ultrasound for the next day because twins run in my family and she couldn't rule out that there weren't multiples in there because my pelvic muscles are so strong (Sorry if that is TMI). My husband paled a little bit at the thought of twins but he was like "Well if there are two then we take home two."

Well at the ultrasound we confirmed that there was only one in there and they were growing and right on schedule from my estimated time frame. We got to see baby moving all around in there and again I cried tears of joy to know that this pregnancy is going along just as it is supposed to. I could finally breathe again.

Now we are 18 weeks and healthy and happy. Hopefully at the next appointment we will find out if we are having a boy or a girl. I'll be happy with either but I'm too impatient to wait to find out!


If you are going through a pregnancy after loss please know you aren't alone. You have every right to be scared, nervous, or even unwilling to admit that you are actually pregnant. These feelings are valid and totally normal. However if you are like me and you are just scared every moment please contact your doctors and nurses and tell them your feelings if they are good at their jobs they will ease your fears and help you in any way that they can. Hang in there mama, you got this.