Too scared to breathe: Pregnancy After Loss

Two pink lines. I immediately broke down crying. I'm pregnant and I'm terrified.

I spent the first trimester of this pregnancy not breathing properly. I felt like I couldn't take a full breathe or sigh or even think about what was going on inside me for fear that I would somehow jinx it. This was such a change from my first pregnancy and even my second...the one that I lost. When I first found out with those pregnancies I was just ready to jump for joy and share the news with anyone I saw. However the loss of my second pregnancy changed this for me. Drastically.

Please don't misunderstand me...I'm so very thrilled for this pregnancy and this baby. I hate that I spent the first trimester in a constant state of fear instead of appreciating what a miracle it was but I was so scared. I was so scared to tell anyone because I didn't want to get anyone's hopes up. I didn't want to get my own hopes up. There were weeks when I didn't even acknowledge the pregnancy to myself until I was getting sick. I spent a lot of the first trimester sick as a dog which isn't uncommon but I have to wonder if I was making things worse by being stressed and scared. I was also grateful every time I got sick. Seriously. Every time I threw up I was grateful because that meant there was still a baby in there.

I really like my doctor. She totally gets my fears and she was so patient with me. She made sure to do the blood tests to ease my fears. Her nurses always were kind and patient as I explained my newest pain or worry and made me feel at ease and totally normal. I cannot thank them enough for being so amazing while I was freaking out. If you are dealing with this...call your nurses, call your doctor, they are there to help you and if you have good ones you will feel immediate relief after just a phone call. That kind of piece of mind means the difference between sleep and no sleep for me.

The first trimester I told my parents and my husband only. If you are pregnant it is completely up to you when you tell people. Do what makes you feel comfortable as no one can predict what that level of comfort will be except for you. This time around I just didn't want to share. I wanted to keep this to myself and just wait until I knew for sure. I'm glad I did because when I finally got to share my news when I hit the second trimester I finally felt the tightness in my chest release. That feeling was so liberating.

My big moment the moment when I finally let myself believe and grieve and hope and feel all of the feelings was when we went in to hear the heartbeat. My doctor did all the normal checks and finally it was time to hear our little one's heartbeat. Kyra and Robert were there with me and then finally I heard that oh so sweet sound of our baby. I will tell you right now I cried. I was so happy and so very relieved. I will tell you I was also thrilled when my doctor said she wanted to schedule an ultrasound for the next day because twins run in my family and she couldn't rule out that there weren't multiples in there because my pelvic muscles are so strong (Sorry if that is TMI). My husband paled a little bit at the thought of twins but he was like "Well if there are two then we take home two."

Well at the ultrasound we confirmed that there was only one in there and they were growing and right on schedule from my estimated time frame. We got to see baby moving all around in there and again I cried tears of joy to know that this pregnancy is going along just as it is supposed to. I could finally breathe again.

Now we are 18 weeks and healthy and happy. Hopefully at the next appointment we will find out if we are having a boy or a girl. I'll be happy with either but I'm too impatient to wait to find out!


If you are going through a pregnancy after loss please know you aren't alone. You have every right to be scared, nervous, or even unwilling to admit that you are actually pregnant. These feelings are valid and totally normal. However if you are like me and you are just scared every moment please contact your doctors and nurses and tell them your feelings if they are good at their jobs they will ease your fears and help you in any way that they can. Hang in there mama, you got this.

Show Us Your Books: First of 2018!

I'm finally back for the best linkup of the month! Let's see those books!


Clothes Make the Girl (Look Fat) by Brittany Gibbons- I really love Brittany's voice. I listen to her weekly podcast and am part of the Curvy Girl Community. I loved her first book Fat Girl Walking so I knew I would be purchasing this one once it came out. I devoured this book. I finished it in less than 24 hours but to be fair it isn't that long. However I relate to her so much in this book. Shopping has always been rough for me. I'm never the same size in any store and when I'm in the plus section I'm usually reduced to tears in the dressing room because everything is designed for the elderly or it's some form of animal print. As if since I'm plus size I'm suddenly all to eager to look like a leopard or a zebra. I could totally relate to all the experiences that Brittany discusses in this book and I love her letter to her daughter about learning to love who you are just as you are. If you too have struggled with clothing and fashion I'd imagine you'd be right on board with this book too!

So Much I want to Tell You by Anna Akana- I've watched Anna on YouTube for a few years now and I've always found her to be super funny and very honest but this book was just something all together more. This book is a set of letters that she has written to her sister who committed suicide as a teenager. It's powerful in some places, sob worthy in others. I really loved how she faces the whole thing head on and admits her faults and embraces her strengths when it comes to life and how she handled her grief. Great read but maybe bring tissues.

The Troop by Nick Cutter- Yuck. Seriously that is the first word that comes to mind when I think of this book. I picked it up because I was in the mood for something scary and this was at the top of many lists. I didn't find it really scary though, mostly I was just grossed out and horrified. I can see how some people might find this scary but I spent so much of it horrified and grossed out that I wasn't scared at all just vaguely ill. This book can best be described as slightly Lord of the Flies meets Slither? Or some other disgusting gore flick. Can't say I would recommend this one but if you are into gross and creepy well...maybe it's for you.

Scythe by Neal Shusterman- Some may know Shusterman from the Unwind series which I didn't really get into but this series is another story! I loved this new dystopian world because it was very different from the other dystopian novels that I've read. Without giving too much away, Death has been cured. No one dies anymore. Not from disease or accident or anything they are immediately revived and go about their lives. But death is still necessary and so it is the Scythe's job to select random persons to die a permanent death. By any means. This book is so intense and the characters are just amazing. I could go on and on but honestly I don't want to give anything away and ruin it for you! This one is a 10 out of 10 and even more exciting the second book comes out today!

So there are my reads this month! Be sure to join the linkup and share your books!

What's New With You- 2018 First Edtion

Well hello there.

So it's been literally months since I have been back to this space. Part of that was due to my computer refusing to load up blogger or basically anything but work related items and even that was hit and miss. However lucky girl that I am my husband got me a new computer so that I can get back into blogging and basically not swear at my computer every time I work!

So now that I can finally get back to blogging and back to commenting and following blogs again I thought I would join the linkup and get caught up and catch you all up on what has been going on around here.


Our biggest news - We are expecting our rainbow baby this June! We are so happy and excited.

I'm currently 17 weeks along and things have been going pretty well aside from the normal pregnancy symptoms. Nausea has been pretty intense but it is starting to ease up now that I'm in the second trimester and I'm finally starting to feel the baby move which is amazing.

I do plan on doing an entire blog post on the first trimester because it was pretty intense due to stress and fears from my previous loss. It's been rough I'll tell you that much.


Secondly its the new year! 2018 is going to be a big one for us personally and while I'm not a big resolution maker I am hoping to make some changes this year in both my personal and professional life. I really enjoy working from home but I'm hoping to start incorporating more creative pursuits into that part of my life.

I do plan on getting back into blogging at least twice a week because I have really missed this space. I'm not sure what all those post will entail but for now I'm just shooting for updates and life stuff because I'm still not sure just what it is I feel like sharing yet.

Fitness goals are pretty much just sticking to being as healthy as possible while pregnant. I'm trying to workout when I can and eat as much "real" food as possible for the baby. It's a process and I'm not 100 percent amazing at it but I'm trying my best.

I think that is pretty much it for the update for now as this post kind of got away from me and honestly I'm really rusty when it comes to writing here. Hopefully I'll get in the swing of things again.

Happy New Year to you and yours!