I know today is normally a weekend recap kind of day and that Mondays (especially Mondays after daylight savings) are not really the place for a "heavy" post but honestly I have to get this out there and nothing else is going to get written until I do.
Saturday I went jean shopping. I had lost weight last week and when I had gotten ready Saturday morning my jeans had slid on with no effort and since they are the only pair I have in that particular size I thought I would pick up another pair for backup. So off we go in the 67 degrees that it was and I grabbed about ten pairs of jeans in the size and headed to the fitting room.
I tried on pair after pair and each one had something wrong. Too tight in the hips and wide at the waist. Too loose in the butt. Too tight in the butt. I will never get these buttoned/zipped. Pair after Pair.
The experience was not one I want to repeat any time soon and I legit ugly cried right there in the fitting room.
You see even though I had been feeling slightly decent on Saturday morning I haven't been feeling all that great in general. I put on a smile and try to push my way through but honestly things haven't been great. At least in my own head they haven't been.
I noticed it when everyone started talking about summer and swimsuits. Talking about the heat and then suddenly the weather is changing and it's almost spring.....and I'm over here having a slight panic attack. Not a good sign.
I don't want warmer weather. I don't want swimsuit season or short shorts. (which BTW I saw at least 20 of them on Saturday and tube tops....you'd think we had been in an eternal ice age the way people were acting...) But why?
Because I am not happy in my body.
I feel like I don't know it anymore. I've always battled the weight thing....I've always felt like the "fat friend"....and I have missed out on things because I was so self conscience...but lately things are worse. Maybe it is because my whole body changed after I got pregnant. Maybe it is because I really want to Cosplay and being a plus size cosplayer is not a "popular" or "accepted" thing. Whatever the reason, I don't feel like myself anymore.
My mom actually took a picture of me the other day and I picked it apart with all my flaws. That isn't okay.
So I'm putting it out there....that I'm not happy. That things are not okay. I'm tired of holding it all in. Even if this post just goes out into the void at least it is out there...and out of my head.
I am going to continue with my weight loss journey but I am going to try to be less hard on myself about it. I will try to fill my head with good thoughts about my body. I have to start letting the poisonous thoughts go and move forward...I can't be the crying girl in the dressing room again.
It is so hard to find a balance between wanting to make improvements, but still accepting and having positive feelings about your body. I remember when I decided to be happy with myself - I was a teenager and my aunts were trying to talk me through my self-acceptance issues. They were both thin and gorgeous and then they started picking themselves apart (a bit contrary to what they were trying to help me with) and I realized you don't magically become happy with yourself just by losing weight. It's a mindset and if you're in the "tear yourself down" mindset, there will always be something just out of reach to be unhappy about, even if you do manage to "fix" whatever the current thing is.
ReplyDeleteIt's definitely not easy - but I hope you're able to put the focus on self-acceptance and to learn to love yourself as is! You're worth it!
I want to give you a BIG hug! I can relate to everything you've written. I wrote about it on my blog a while a go too (just to have some kind of release). We are all our toughest critics. We see "flaws" in ourselves that no one else notices. I know all of this all too well.
ReplyDeleteYesterday, I had a physical that is necessary for my immigration visa ... the doctor said "We need to talk about your BMI and weight." I left and cried.
Imagine a virtual hug being sent to you all the way from Australia!!!
I feel you. I have big boobs and clothes is always a struggle. For a while I hated my boobs even though everyone loved them because it was just tough living in my body. Ive since learned to accept them and the fact that I will never be stick thin. I might always be on a weight loss journey but I will keep a positive attitude and keep trucking..
ReplyDeleteI say all this to say, you are not alone. Big hugs my friend!
I've finally stopped wanting to be "skinny" and I just want to be healthy enough to not struggle to get around when I'm 60 and never have to use one of those mart-karts. It was a hard mindset to come to because I'm my worst critic. I judge the shit out of my entire body from my clogged pores to my belly jiggle to my awkward knees and those hairs on my big toes (WTF is with that?) when I'm in a dressing room.
ReplyDeleteI blame the light. It's those awful lights that shadow the good areas and highlight all the horrible things. I'm the worst to walk out of a dressing room with a super red face from picking at my face (I try to stop myself but the light is just so good to get out all the wormies in my nose!) and zero items that I want to buy because there's something wrong with my entire everything (not the fact that clothing manufacturers refuse to standardize womens clothing like they've done with men's). When I walk out empty handed, I just tell myself I saved SO MUCH MONEY! #beingawomanishard