The Desire to be an "After"

Good Morning Everyone,


So I've been feeling a little down since yesterday. I'm not sure what the reason is for my mood but last night I was really in a sort of dark place. I didn't write anything then because I wanted to come out of my funk before posting here for everyone to see. I do feel a little better this morning but still not quite my normal 100%.

However I do think I know the reason behind my little "down" feeling.

Things aren't going well in the whole weight loss department.

Not well at all.

I'm a sucker for Before and Afters. I love watching them on HGTV when it comes to houses and rooms and I love watching them on weight loss and makeover stories as well. Now some are just ridiculous and I know a lot of the ones I see on Pinterest are completely fake and photoshopped but some....some are the real deal.

I've seen bloggers achieve amazing things, dropping tons of weight and toning up and looking like Amazonian Goddesses by the end.

I've seen people IRL do the same thing.

What I haven't seen?

My own "after".

I've lost weight a time or two but never down to my goal weight. Not since High School. I have also never maintained my weight loss for more than a year. I've worn a bikini once when I was 18 and I wore it for like a half an hour until we realized that the lake was WAY too cold for swimming yet so we decided to do something else. I still have that bikini but by the end of the summer I didn't fit into it anymore. I have never gotten to put it on again.

I've struggled with my weight my whole life it feels like, and....I'm really exhausted. I want to be an "after" so badly and I think to myself, "Go get 'em! You can do it!" I believe and wish so hard for a few weeks but then....then it all falls apart. Suddenly I am right back at the beginning again with my bad food choices. Food...food will always be the weakness I can't shake.

I mean I do workout. I go to Zumba, I walk on the treadmill, I do the elliptical. Still.....my weight remains fluctuating between the same four pounds. So it kinda kills me when someone says, "Oh I've just been walking a lot and I dropped 65 pounds in three months!" Are you walking bloody MARATHONS? Why can I put all this effort in and still...nothing? Food is the answer I suppose. Food is my downfall.

I know some of you say that "food is fuel!" but food is more than that. Food is at every gathering. Food is something I have to prepare at least three times a day and food is not something I can control when other people in my house want something different. I want to be strong enough to say "no" when a pizza comes home with my husband, but it never happens. I want to say "no" when my PMS craves chocolate or ice cream. Then some part of me is like, "But why? Why do I always have to say no and no one else does? Why am I constantly on the sideline debating each bit of food I eat and they don't worry about it at all? Why is a week's worth of good choices suddenly rendered null on the scale because of one night with a guilty pleasure food?"

I realize that sounds like a little pity party and maybe it is....still....why is it so damn hard for me? 

The desire is always there. The hopeful wish that someday I will get it right and I will finally be able to post an "after" picture with the tons of "before" pictures. I want to get there, I just...I don't know how.